(Warning - I am just making this shit up - I am no expert, but figured hell - I am the loneliest, most single person out there, so what I do for fun or alone must be what a few other singles do too!)
Tip: Look at places/things you do when you are alone or single.
Where and Why?
Red box video:
If they are wearing a ring - stop. If they are not and alone, this is a 50/50 shot they are single. The way to tell the difference is how long they spend at the machine. The longer, the better for you. Because if they have a girlfriend and she wants him to rent a movie - she is going to tell him what movie to get, because last time she asked him to pick out a romantic comedy, he came home with Nightmare on Elm street. This theory is true if he is on the phone reading the selections out loud. It is either his girlfriend or his mother - either way stay away from that one.
$6 dinner at wegmans or any of their take outs:
Duh, no one is making him dinner, yet he craves the somewhat comfort of a homemade warm dinner. This guy will appreciate a woman who cooks for him and hopefully provides some tasty dessert :) A guy who has $6 dinner and Red Box movie = definitely single.
Buying single servings of bulk produce:
Whether its bananas, onion, potatoes, peppers or apples, if they are buying one serving of any item they are cooking for 1, and they know how to cook, and they have passion about other things in life. If a guy takes the time to buy fresh produce he likes to learn, adapt and understand things. He is intrigued by a process and gets excited to be part of a project from start to finish. Most likely he is professionally successful too and likes to impress people (or has no job therefore he has the time to make constant trips to the grocery story to buy fresh produce and the time to make every meal, but let us not distract from my fantasy). I'm going to keep my eye out for this one!
Frozen Food Section:
A less mature version of fresh produce guy, but acceptable none the less. Single guys tend to stick with the basics, frozen pizza, fish sticks and waffles. It is the quantity he buys that will let you know if he is single. 1 = single, 33 = horny or owns a shitty bar. This guy is somewhat of a simple mind, likes sports, plays video games and knows the bartenders life story at the local bar. Buying single rolls of toilet paper vs. cases:
Lets be honest - this one is obvious. Rule of thumb that any guy is single: he buys 1, not packages of things. Guys don't use toilet paper as often as women, so therefore he does not live with one nor does he have one visiting often. Just don't let him catch you staring at his paper roll...that's strange.
Local park, dog park:
This one has to do with the mind of a female. We love doing cheesy, lovey dovey things together like going for walks in the park, taking the dog and playing, hiking and the like. So there is no way we are going to let our man do this himself. Especially a dog park. We are not dumb, we know how attractive and what a chick magnet dogs are - you think if he was not single his woman would let him out without HIS leash? I think not. This guy is creative, calm and very intuitive. Still buys the Wegmans brand American cheese for $2.99 when the Kraft cheese is on sale for $1.50:
He doesn't know how to grocery shop or have someone reading the weekly flyer looking for sale items. So he still buys the crappy brand which cost more because that is what he is used to, and there is no one at home who is going to yell at him for doing it. Purchases quarts of milk vs. gallon
This means there is no one staying over to have cereal in the morning or making scrambled eggs. Plus the smaller size is closer to a glass shape, and we all know he will be drinking out of the carton.
Stay away –
They are in the feminine product aisle…hell within 5 aisles of the tampon aisle, because we all know there ain't nothing manly in those aisles.
Purchase reduced fat peanut butter after looking at the nutrition facts.
In the magazine section - their girlfriend wife has told them they can no longer play video games, go golfing or needs to stop watching so much tv.
Hope this helps - Enjoy!
6 comments:
Hilarious read! If the guy messes up the first kiss, it's downhill from there. What do you think is the ideal moment for a first kiss on a first date?
- Eric
(Jason told me about your blog, I'm a co-author at LADatingblog.com)
okay so you're there at the Wegmans Redbox, you got your groceries; lean cuisine pizza, reduced fat wheat thins, diet coke, and Shape. You're praying that 14 year old bitch didn't rent the last copy of Easy A, and in front of you is the single guy with his 6$ Chinese and one roll of toilet paper, then what? How do you strike up the conversation?! I love your blog and would like your advice. Thanks!!
-Nicole
Eric - the ideal kiss. Hesitation. Waiting until the end of the night was the right thing to do, but its the movement of the kiss that matters, along with making it feel like it was a decision by the both of us. One of the best after date kisses I had recently was in my car. We said our good byes, he whispered in my ear what a great time he had with me and then opened the door for me. After he opened the door, he leaned in again to say good night, and I could not resist the urge to put my lips on his and finally let the passion I had felt all night be expressed.
There should be some teasing, touching of the face - but this is all dependent on the fact that the girl wants you. I think a great way to test it is the good by hug.
Hug her, attempt for the kiss on the cheek. If she remains in hug/wrapped arm position with you and stands there with her vagina angled towards you, she wants you. Go in for the lip kiss - but not too quickly. You will look desperate. And don't make it too long. only 2 - 3 lip kisses and maybe 2 seconds of tongue, then end it. Leave her wanting more.
The trick is to keep her thinking about you the rest of the night, morning and following week.
If you lean in for the hug and the kiss on the cheek and she turns away and then walks away, give up. She is not interested.
Your last test of finding out if she likes you - ask her to do something again before she leaves. If she says, "I would like that" or "absolutely" you are almost guaranteed in. If she says "call me" or "sure, I'll let you know when I am free" Chances are she doesn't want to see you again.
The ideal kiss is one you can't stop thinking about. The one you want to happen again. The one you hope was not just a dream. A kiss that seemed to happen way to fast. Less is always more when it comes to the first kiss.
Nix - I love your thought ! and I died laughing at the thought of some 14 year old bitch stealing my copy of Easy A - fuck her.
You are right - I never mention what to do when you see the perfect single guy!
The first and most important thing to do is make eye contact. There is so much to be said for moments that don't need words. Make eye contact and flirt a little. Smile, touch your hair. If for some reason he is not looking at you or ends up at the other machine, turn to him and ask him what he might recommend for a movie night? then ask him what he is renting. No, do not invite him over to watch the movie you are renting - that is too creepy and forward. Lie, tell him you are not a huge movie buff, and don't know what out there is good - could he recommend anything?
After about 3 - 4 sentences of conversation, and you feel like he is being receptive to your advances, introduce yourself. The most important moment of meeting someone new is introducing yourself! The moment you share your name is the moment you make it known you want to be recognized for someone other than than the hot chick with lean cuisine and diet coke at the RedBox. Simply smile, nod your head and say "I'm Nick". At this point he should tell you his name and there will be an awkward silence. The rest should be all light hearted and humor - strike up a conversation, maybe that you wish you saw more regular movies at the theater or you could really use a friend who knows about movies next time you are renting something - anything you might feel comfortable asking him for his number - If it does not happen, don't sweat it. You tried, you went outside your comfort zone and you made yourself vulnerable. That is what being single is all about - learning how to be vulnerable and not upset if you are denied.
Who knows, maybe you will run into him when you are returning Easy A the next day.
@AGGE
Thank you! Your description of the elements of the ideal first kiss: teasing, "leaving the door open" and end it with her wanting more is some of the best advice I have come across. And it's fascinating to hear it from a girl's perspective. I'll put your suggestions to work and we'll see what happens.
@Nix
AGGE read my mind, I was going to recommend the same informal chit chat: "What are you renting?" and going from there. Also, there is an amazing shift in the interaction when people introduce their name and extend their hand. I do this all the time and it changes the same from "random interaction" to "we're having a real conversation." Subtle, but very important for the socially conscious.
@eric Good luck with the tips and keep me posted if you land your ideal first kiss soon!
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