Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Social Dick Experiment

Little Preview of the Social Dick Experiment I have been doing the last few months.

Pretty much finding different guys with different personalities and doing all the cliche things people tell us to do when we like someone and documenting the results.  Here is a list of the subjects:

1: The overachiever, money hungry, business metro man (read: think he is gay...maybe?? maybe not?? I mean he is loaded who cares if he is gay)

2: The computer geek; stable, mellow, likes to play video games man (read: won't cheat and probably knows how to build a new deck on your house)

3: The hipster artsy, rebellious, free spirited, significantly damaged man (read: everyone loves them and will do whatever they want when they want dammit!)

4: The insecure, emotionally damaged, family issues and still in love with their first girlfriend man (read:  "I can fix him" because I need to be needed....oh and he likes to cuddle while watching movies)

5: The local celebrity, slut, cheating entertainer man (read: women only like him because he is emotionally unavailable and sexually available)

...let's see how each of them stood up to my experiment....

To be continued....

<3 AGG2Eat

Thursday, April 21, 2011

I haven't had sex in over a year.

So I have done some crazy things.  This is my year in review...(a little late, just like me!)

I love hearing the positives and negatives of my idea and creating this blog.  I am and always will be an open book on most topics. Though, when you hit a nerve - you know it.  Love me or hate me, you are still talking about me - that is the point of entertainment...yes, I know putting your life and details out there may be controversial to some, and seem narcissistic to others, thats ok to think that....because it is. That is why you read it.  That is why I write it - because other people won't.

I also know people can relate, which is what I want.

So back to me again.  Duh - like I said - the whole idea behind this is narcissistic.

Being on my fair share of blind dates - some of which I haven't even spoke about yet (oh, they get betterrrrrrrrrr...think, body fluid..oh yes), I started to realize I finally am starting to know the characteristics in a person that matter to me, thinking about situations that might not necessarily seem like the moments that would define a person - but I think they do.   Like making sure the bartender knows I am allergic to whiskey - do you want me to breakout in hives? no! So if you are ordering me a shot and you make the effort multiple times, even as she is walking away to say "anything, but NOT canadian whiskey!!"  I notice. I like that.

This self relfection has been the product of a ridiculous look at the real reasons I am single, other than the fact I am 'one of the guys' and always the friend - I don't tell people when I like them...and when I do, I get to scared to follow through. As most probably assume and conclude, my emotions are very damanged, defeated and guarded. After what I have been through I see letting people, men I am attracted to specifically, as a weakness - because clearly I have bad taste as seen in previous relationships.

But enough serious crap - I am moving past it all - an open book - I mean its not like I walked in on my ex humping my miniture scotish terrier wearing a kilt and playing bag pipes! Because THAT would be fucked up!

So I need your help - here is a little laundry list of things I have been thinking about would make a great guy, things they might do that I might not specifically express that I notice or it makes me happy, but they do, someone who:

  • Selflessness: Will fire up the frying pan at 3 am after the bar to make guacamole fresh. Just tossin' in some spices and oils and peppers...cutting fresh avocados...I mean really, who the fuck has avocados in their kitchen? Seriously?! Now even sweeter would be if they scooped a chip out for me because the bowl was too far...but now I am dreaming.

  • Open Minded: Not afraid to try something totally new and random: yes cliche - but I really mean it. If we are headed out to a bar and you ask where I want to go, I am going to say "I don't care" because I really don't - if I am in good company no matter where we go can be fun. Hell if we play our cards right and you can make friends with the bartender and the crazy guy who has to clean the bar because he has an overdue tab...those are the things I find enjoyable and hilarious - I want a guy who can make entertainment out of any situation we are in or with the people we meet...again...dreaming.

  • Respect: another cliche one, but if you are going to invite me over to watch a movie and don't put the moves on me, I am probably going to respect you more especially if you get in touch with me again, even if it is a lame movie like Get Em to The Greek, it doesn't matter - here is a secret - I am not really paying attention to the movie, if I come over to watch it - you can assume I like you :)

  • Spontaneous: I want a guy who isn't afraid to have a snowball fight/war in the middle of a bar, only to come back inside soaking wet to offer me his coat to stay warm while I dance off the snow with my killer moves.  And when my hair curls from getting wet and my make up melts off my face, he still thinks I look hot...ugh...too much to ask?

  • Passion: I am an independent person, so I want someone who is passionate about something in their life that keeps them occupied, and that they can talk to me about, but also someone who can take the time out of their busy day to see if I am feeling any better from the day before, or check in on me randomly when he knows I had a bad day.  Someone who selflessly offers himself as a sounding board and always seems to have the perfect thing to say.

  • Choice of music: I love music.  We have to mesh on our musical preferences atleast to  a point. I want someone who I can sit in a car with for an hour, just listening to the most ridiculous band, rocking out after a night at the bar. I want to feel comfortable enough to sing infront of them and smash my air symbol when the chorus picks up. I notice when that can happen  - I like it - and if you are into vinyl, even doper.

  • Someone worth waiting for.........I have met quite a few of men since the inception of this idea..over 4 dozen, in addition to the hundreds of friends/colleagues/aquantences I meet each year...but when I meet someone that I respect, admire and am sexually attracted to....and I finally say, 'I would wait for him'...I know I am in trouble.   I, of anyone, should value and respect the value in finding 'self' before you commit to 'us'.  So if someone is on a path related to education or career that will take them places I may not be able to follow...and I am ok with that...I know I am hooked.  Even more so, if I meet someone who I can respect and value their position in life and the need to explore before they settle...I don't your life, because I am not going to stop living mine. 

Sappy and disgusting and makes you want to vomit right??? I am helpless with this task :)

I am proud because I feel I am past my crazy bitch, jealous, teenager stage and now understanding and carefree...

I'm fucked though - cause guys only want the crazy bitches.

AGG2Eat <3

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I Like to Be Naked...

Guy 9:  Joseph
Age:  32
Kids: no, he does not, but when he does he wants them to start drinking wine at age 9, because 'that is what is wrong with today's youth'
Status: divorced...
Employment: rapper, artist, linguist, architect, landscaper, bartender, antique furniture builder, appraiser, designer, sculptor, dancer, writer, poet, traveler, movie critic, UPS delivery man, personal trainer, dog lover, vagina master, wild lion tamer....jesus. he is jesus.
Height:  6'2" 
Eyes:  light blue
Hair: you know that thin blonde hair that looks like little spikes on-top of a shiny bald head because they put the gel in their hair directly after the shower when their hair is wet? Yep - tag that. 
Build:  maybe if he flexed his muscled I would say body builder - but it kinda looked flabby to me
Outfit:  hahahahahha. oh boy.
First impression:  Fuck - this guy is hot. 
Blonde Date Blondie Rating:  before he opened his mouth: 8, after he opened his mouth: 2, because he liked tequila.
Date #2?: no date, maybe friendships. 

Reasons I liked him: He was kind - he talked...a lot.  I knew if I were to get in a fight with the Italian MOB  - he would protect me. He had a zest for life - and he seemed to enjoy himself regardless of what he was doing. Which changed every day.  I don't know if that was because he had no shame or because he didn't know any better that he looked like a fool...anyways.

Reasons I didn't like him: OK - seriously, don't tell me you have never had a date that was hot until they opened their mouth.  And not just because they had bad teeth (which this one did) but because they ruin all that physical beauty and potential for great sex by carrying on the most mundane and irrelevant conversation....oh! and not to mention they talk about themselves for 3 hours straight.  I wanted to be like DUDE SHUT UP! Women like mystery, secrets and damaged men.  Don't even say you don't ladies.  We love a man who we feel like we can nurture and care for.  The more wounded the better. It is how we feel validated. Especially if you are from my generation, where our parents might have been one of the last to subscribe to the 'stay at home wife' lifestyle - we find some value in providing for our men.

Anyways off my side note - this guy had potential...but really, and I am saying this because I am looking out for his best interests, he needed to go to laughing class.  His shit was like Ernie from Sesame Street.  

A bad laugh can ruin a date. No one wants to hear you sound like a vacuum that has a quarter stuck in it's hose.  Or even worse, the sound you can make by squeezing a blown up balloon in your hand...that annoying awful sound.

So we ate, had drinks...and he told me he loves tequila...I asked why of course. He said cause it gets him drunk and he does crazy things.  Naturally I was interested in the crazy and asked what it was...'I get naked...mostly.  Like last weekend I danced at a club with a group of cougars, on a bachelorette was sweet.' ahahhah eheeeeeiiiiiI!!!1!yyyehhhhhhhhaaaaahahahaheeeee (insert annoying hyena laugh).

Dude likes to get crazy and get naked? ohhh ok. To which he then proceeds to inform me he has spent his entire life mastering eating a girl out.

I don't fucking care.

Maybe I am crazy, cause that  does not make my vagina wet.  Does that turn on other women? On the first date a dude telling you he mastered the skill of carpet munching? To me it just means he will do it to just anyone....which I don't want. Maybe sluts what that. I don't that. I don't get it..what is the point of saying that?  Then, to top it off, he did some crazy one eyebrow raise and licked his lips....Yep - that was the moment he went from an 8 to 2 two.

So I took a shot of tequila, smiled and enjoyed the rest of my evening.

I had fun. I always have fun. But What the fuck is wrong with men out there?

Here's to hoping the next one saves the clit licking talk until date 2.

The girl who needs a hearing test after this date.