Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Social Dick Experiment

Little Preview of the Social Dick Experiment I have been doing the last few months.

Pretty much finding different guys with different personalities and doing all the cliche things people tell us to do when we like someone and documenting the results.  Here is a list of the subjects:

1: The overachiever, money hungry, business metro man (read: think he is gay...maybe?? maybe not?? I mean he is loaded who cares if he is gay)

2: The computer geek; stable, mellow, likes to play video games man (read: won't cheat and probably knows how to build a new deck on your house)

3: The hipster artsy, rebellious, free spirited, significantly damaged man (read: everyone loves them and will do whatever they want when they want dammit!)

4: The insecure, emotionally damaged, family issues and still in love with their first girlfriend man (read:  "I can fix him" because I need to be needed....oh and he likes to cuddle while watching movies)

5: The local celebrity, slut, cheating entertainer man (read: women only like him because he is emotionally unavailable and sexually available)

...let's see how each of them stood up to my experiment....

To be continued....

<3 AGG2Eat

Thursday, April 21, 2011

I haven't had sex in over a year.

So I have done some crazy things.  This is my year in review...(a little late, just like me!)

I love hearing the positives and negatives of my idea and creating this blog.  I am and always will be an open book on most topics. Though, when you hit a nerve - you know it.  Love me or hate me, you are still talking about me - that is the point of entertainment...yes, I know putting your life and details out there may be controversial to some, and seem narcissistic to others, thats ok to think that....because it is. That is why you read it.  That is why I write it - because other people won't.

I also know people can relate, which is what I want.

So back to me again.  Duh - like I said - the whole idea behind this is narcissistic.

Being on my fair share of blind dates - some of which I haven't even spoke about yet (oh, they get betterrrrrrrrrr...think, body fluid..oh yes), I started to realize I finally am starting to know the characteristics in a person that matter to me, thinking about situations that might not necessarily seem like the moments that would define a person - but I think they do.   Like making sure the bartender knows I am allergic to whiskey - do you want me to breakout in hives? no! So if you are ordering me a shot and you make the effort multiple times, even as she is walking away to say "anything, but NOT canadian whiskey!!"  I notice. I like that.

This self relfection has been the product of a ridiculous look at the real reasons I am single, other than the fact I am 'one of the guys' and always the friend - I don't tell people when I like them...and when I do, I get to scared to follow through. As most probably assume and conclude, my emotions are very damanged, defeated and guarded. After what I have been through I see letting people, men I am attracted to specifically, as a weakness - because clearly I have bad taste as seen in previous relationships.

But enough serious crap - I am moving past it all - an open book - I mean its not like I walked in on my ex humping my miniture scotish terrier wearing a kilt and playing bag pipes! Because THAT would be fucked up!

So I need your help - here is a little laundry list of things I have been thinking about would make a great guy, things they might do that I might not specifically express that I notice or it makes me happy, but they do, someone who:

  • Selflessness: Will fire up the frying pan at 3 am after the bar to make guacamole fresh. Just tossin' in some spices and oils and peppers...cutting fresh avocados...I mean really, who the fuck has avocados in their kitchen? Seriously?! Now even sweeter would be if they scooped a chip out for me because the bowl was too far...but now I am dreaming.

  • Open Minded: Not afraid to try something totally new and random: yes cliche - but I really mean it. If we are headed out to a bar and you ask where I want to go, I am going to say "I don't care" because I really don't - if I am in good company no matter where we go can be fun. Hell if we play our cards right and you can make friends with the bartender and the crazy guy who has to clean the bar because he has an overdue tab...those are the things I find enjoyable and hilarious - I want a guy who can make entertainment out of any situation we are in or with the people we meet...again...dreaming.

  • Respect: another cliche one, but if you are going to invite me over to watch a movie and don't put the moves on me, I am probably going to respect you more especially if you get in touch with me again, even if it is a lame movie like Get Em to The Greek, it doesn't matter - here is a secret - I am not really paying attention to the movie, if I come over to watch it - you can assume I like you :)

  • Spontaneous: I want a guy who isn't afraid to have a snowball fight/war in the middle of a bar, only to come back inside soaking wet to offer me his coat to stay warm while I dance off the snow with my killer moves.  And when my hair curls from getting wet and my make up melts off my face, he still thinks I look hot...ugh...too much to ask?

  • Passion: I am an independent person, so I want someone who is passionate about something in their life that keeps them occupied, and that they can talk to me about, but also someone who can take the time out of their busy day to see if I am feeling any better from the day before, or check in on me randomly when he knows I had a bad day.  Someone who selflessly offers himself as a sounding board and always seems to have the perfect thing to say.

  • Choice of music: I love music.  We have to mesh on our musical preferences atleast to  a point. I want someone who I can sit in a car with for an hour, just listening to the most ridiculous band, rocking out after a night at the bar. I want to feel comfortable enough to sing infront of them and smash my air symbol when the chorus picks up. I notice when that can happen  - I like it - and if you are into vinyl, even doper.

  • Someone worth waiting for.........I have met quite a few of men since the inception of this idea..over 4 dozen, in addition to the hundreds of friends/colleagues/aquantences I meet each year...but when I meet someone that I respect, admire and am sexually attracted to....and I finally say, 'I would wait for him'...I know I am in trouble.   I, of anyone, should value and respect the value in finding 'self' before you commit to 'us'.  So if someone is on a path related to education or career that will take them places I may not be able to follow...and I am ok with that...I know I am hooked.  Even more so, if I meet someone who I can respect and value their position in life and the need to explore before they settle...I don't your life, because I am not going to stop living mine. 

Sappy and disgusting and makes you want to vomit right??? I am helpless with this task :)

I am proud because I feel I am past my crazy bitch, jealous, teenager stage and now understanding and carefree...

I'm fucked though - cause guys only want the crazy bitches.

AGG2Eat <3

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I Like to Be Naked...

Guy 9:  Joseph
Age:  32
Kids: no, he does not, but when he does he wants them to start drinking wine at age 9, because 'that is what is wrong with today's youth'
Status: divorced...
Employment: rapper, artist, linguist, architect, landscaper, bartender, antique furniture builder, appraiser, designer, sculptor, dancer, writer, poet, traveler, movie critic, UPS delivery man, personal trainer, dog lover, vagina master, wild lion tamer....jesus. he is jesus.
Height:  6'2" 
Eyes:  light blue
Hair: you know that thin blonde hair that looks like little spikes on-top of a shiny bald head because they put the gel in their hair directly after the shower when their hair is wet? Yep - tag that. 
Build:  maybe if he flexed his muscled I would say body builder - but it kinda looked flabby to me
Outfit:  hahahahahha. oh boy.
First impression:  Fuck - this guy is hot. 
Blonde Date Blondie Rating:  before he opened his mouth: 8, after he opened his mouth: 2, because he liked tequila.
Date #2?: no date, maybe friendships. 

Reasons I liked him: He was kind - he talked...a lot.  I knew if I were to get in a fight with the Italian MOB  - he would protect me. He had a zest for life - and he seemed to enjoy himself regardless of what he was doing. Which changed every day.  I don't know if that was because he had no shame or because he didn't know any better that he looked like a fool...anyways.

Reasons I didn't like him: OK - seriously, don't tell me you have never had a date that was hot until they opened their mouth.  And not just because they had bad teeth (which this one did) but because they ruin all that physical beauty and potential for great sex by carrying on the most mundane and irrelevant conversation....oh! and not to mention they talk about themselves for 3 hours straight.  I wanted to be like DUDE SHUT UP! Women like mystery, secrets and damaged men.  Don't even say you don't ladies.  We love a man who we feel like we can nurture and care for.  The more wounded the better. It is how we feel validated. Especially if you are from my generation, where our parents might have been one of the last to subscribe to the 'stay at home wife' lifestyle - we find some value in providing for our men.

Anyways off my side note - this guy had potential...but really, and I am saying this because I am looking out for his best interests, he needed to go to laughing class.  His shit was like Ernie from Sesame Street.  

A bad laugh can ruin a date. No one wants to hear you sound like a vacuum that has a quarter stuck in it's hose.  Or even worse, the sound you can make by squeezing a blown up balloon in your hand...that annoying awful sound.

So we ate, had drinks...and he told me he loves tequila...I asked why of course. He said cause it gets him drunk and he does crazy things.  Naturally I was interested in the crazy and asked what it was...'I get naked...mostly.  Like last weekend I danced at a club with a group of cougars, on a bachelorette was sweet.' ahahhah eheeeeeiiiiiI!!!1!yyyehhhhhhhhaaaaahahahaheeeee (insert annoying hyena laugh).

Dude likes to get crazy and get naked? ohhh ok. To which he then proceeds to inform me he has spent his entire life mastering eating a girl out.

I don't fucking care.

Maybe I am crazy, cause that  does not make my vagina wet.  Does that turn on other women? On the first date a dude telling you he mastered the skill of carpet munching? To me it just means he will do it to just anyone....which I don't want. Maybe sluts what that. I don't that. I don't get it..what is the point of saying that?  Then, to top it off, he did some crazy one eyebrow raise and licked his lips....Yep - that was the moment he went from an 8 to 2 two.

So I took a shot of tequila, smiled and enjoyed the rest of my evening.

I had fun. I always have fun. But What the fuck is wrong with men out there?

Here's to hoping the next one saves the clit licking talk until date 2.

The girl who needs a hearing test after this date.


Sunday, March 27, 2011

You Make My Vagina Dry TOB

Guy 8:  TOB
Age:  27
Kids: didn't care to ask
Status: who fucking knows...he was making out with some chick at the end of the night
Employment: oh...student, but not really..but kinda
Height:  Couldn't tell you, never got out of my stool  
Eyes:  Don't care
Hair: balddd
Build:  Stalky...obese 
Outfit:  Some tshirt and jeans....but really I don't care...
First impression:  Dude...
Blonde Date Blondie Rating:  Even though this wasn't actually a date...I still give it a 0
Date #2?: oh helllll No.

So how I ended up where I ended up is not important. Leave it to 3 best friends from elementary school to guarantee a great night. Sum it up to free drinks and shots from the bartender all night. Guess he liked crazy sarcastic bitches. Let’s fast forward to the end of the night, when all parties other than myself had departed and I was joined by a close guy friend. Yes, I was joined by a man at 2am at a bar, that I was not going to fuck. He is just a friend. I am sure at some point in our friendship one of us wanted to throw each other over into a downward dog pose or make ear muffs out of their legs, but it’s just never gonna happen. Well, lets be honest, if we both had been drunk that might have happened. But it wasn’t and it didn’t. Just two adult human beings sitting at the end of a bar – drinking water.

Then my friend leaves to use the restroom…and ZOOM! Tall, overweight bald man approaches…asking if I want shots. No I say, I do not want shots, but I am not rude, as I never am. He then proceeds to tell me how he is technically considered a Freshman at college (he is 27), but realistically he is a sophomore, because he took classes before he entered the military for 4 years and returned, and the college he attends now will not accept any of the credits he obtained from his 1.5 years prior to the military. OK.

I never asked if he was in school. But I understand, he clearly thinks I am attractive (thank you beer goggles!) and had enough balls to approach me while I was there, with another man. Great. I understand, I appreciate a man’s effort and obviously understand the trials with dating, but dude, don’t sit there for 7 minutes (I know because my friend was texting me drunken lyrics of ‘sweet Caroline’ so the time kept showing) and tell me about yourself and how awesome you are. Try and ask me how awesome I am! (duh)

So my friend returns, haven’t seen him in over 4 months prior to tonight, so we are trying to catch up – well yep, nope impossible because TOB (Tall obese Bald) man keeps interrupting. Then TOB asks me if I want to come over and meet his friends. What?? Why the fuck would I want to meet your friends. I am not dating you, I will not date you, I do not need to know your friends and more importantly, I am not going to the parade with you tomorrow. Why want to introduce me to your friends, because I might end up finding one of them more interesting than you. Are you trying show me off to them….like ‘oh daddy, look what I found! Can I keep it!’ Like ew.

But anyways. He leaves. But comes back. An hour later my friend walks away to use the restroom again. He comes up asking “can I introduce you to my friends”. No dude. Now you are creeping me out. Then he asks “why aren’t’ you drinking” to that I say, I am a responsible individual and I have to drive (when really I was thinking I’ll order my own shit because I don’t want to run the possibility of you roofing me.)

Then I get pissed. He has the balls to ridicule my guy friend for not drinking. To that I respond, “really, it is fucking dumb that someone is at a bar not drinking. Have you even considered the fact maybe there is a valid reason he is not drinking at the bar. How about the issue of growing up with an alcoholic father who beat you, and being a mature adult he is able to recognize the trait and not want to become the same person, but yet he values friendship enough to stay up late to catch up with me. And I having suffered the loss of friends/family to drunk driving will not get behind the wheel if I know I have had too much to drink. You are right TOB, my friend is lame for not drinking, because if he was he might have a slight possibility of being as big of a douchebag as you.”

I smiled, took a sip of my ice-cold lemon water and swiveled the other way on stool.

Douche bag.

Think he got the point I didn’t want to meet his friends?

My friend came back from the restroom wondering why everyone at the end of the bar was starring at me…I just said “can you blame them?”

Here’s to hoping TOB didn’t roofie some poor unwilling soul and learns some manners. I don’t fucking get guys these days!


The girl who doesn’t take shit from douchebags when you insult my friends J


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Other Girl..PT 2

I sit in meetings all day, at my desk, on my couch watching tv, out to lunch with my girlfriends and I think.  I sit a lot.  Anywhere, everywhere I sit I always end up thinking about the fact that I am single.  In any conversation, presentation or observation there is a moment of my life that I wish I could share with someone else.  There are things I see I want to tell someone about, there are feelings I have I want to discuss with someone.  I have friends. I have lots of friends. But I wish I had a partner. Someone who is passionate about his life, career and friends.   So maybe that is why I fell for the guy with girlfriend.  And then got over him, in a week…but still. I admit I did it.  But I got to thinking why did I like a guy I knew who had a girlfriend?

You know the more I think about it – I am drawn to him because I love his enthusiasm, his zest for life – passion for his career, and oddly the sexiest trait in a man to me is someone who maintains their crazy character in any situation and is passionate about what they do.  I don’t mind a man who will spend more time at a bar talking to friends or the owner instead of me, because I do that. I don’t mind a man who might not be next to me the entire night, but his eyes are never left from my smile as I laugh at a friends joke across the room.  He might not be next to me, but he is aware and confident in himself and me.

That’s what I like about guys like him.  They don’t need me to happy. They have a reason to life and live it - and they have a way with a room – and I happen to be the lucky one in that room they are thinking about.  And I want that. To be the one in the room they love.   I want to be the person who they might not need to make them happy – but the one they want to share in their happy with them.  That’s what I want to be. Someone’s happy.

Not the other girl.  You know there is always an instant when you start dating someone who you know has a girlfriend, that you clearly think/hope they will leave the other person for you. But would you really want that man if he is a cheater?

I can understand a man who wants to cheat on his girlfriend and claims he doesn’t really care about her, as fucked up as that sounds, I have very good guy friends who confide in me about things, so I hear both sides  - but if that man liked me he wouldn’t ask me to change his name, profession and appearance on my blog if he didn’t actually care if his girlfriend found out we kissed. If you don’t care about your simple relationship with your ‘on off girl friend’ who ‘if she broke up with you, you would not care’ because ‘you are both looking for other people’ and ‘know that the other is dating’, then you shouldn’t get nervous when you start dating someone who you know writes a blog about her dating experience and say she has to change your name and profession if you write about him..shady!  Other than your girlfriend, there couldn’t be another reason for you to be so cautious.

I get torn still even knowing this.  I like him because he makes me feel special and relates to my thoughts and passion.  I don’t like men who are just like everyone else. I want an outside of the box, right brained, ADD, a carefree caring freak.  Someone who is different, and special to me.  But if I made him feel as special as he says I do, he wouldn’t want to lose me, if not me, than that feeling he has when he is with me – and he would admit to himself, just as intensely as I do, that there is a possibility for finding someone who understands and accepts everything about you – good, bad, strange, old and new.  I wish everyone, myself included, would stop with the fucking sob story that ‘happiness does not exist and because of past relationships breaking your fucking heart we assume there is no one out there that will understand you’…get over it and realize it can happen.

Just do things to make yourself feel good.  Flirt when you are out!  I think flirting is great for a relationship – as long as the relationship has trust and honesty, flirting is the best way to keep the passion.  Think about it – when you first met the person you are now in love with, there were those warm thoughts, caterpillars in your tummy and a confident glow about you that made you seem even more attractive.  Because when people flirt with you back, you feel good about yourself.  It is a shameless confidence booster.

We all need to be reminded, sometimes by strangers, of what a beautiful smile we have, or the wonderful laugh we have that fills a room, or eyes that are as blue as the sky. There should be absolutely nothing wrong with verbal flirting as long as you are confident and intelligent enough to know not to let it go any further.  When you feel your best about yourself is when you give the best you to your partner.  And sometimes after a long relationship – the spark can’t light the fire every night.

I remember talking about it with an ex once and we agreed, flirting was OK with other people, because at the end of the night, we are going home together – and the thought of making the rest of the people jealous seeing how happy we were together was exciting.  I don’t care when a boyfriend talks to another woman – woman should be flattered when other woman find their men attractive – just sit back, smile and know you are the lucky one who has him.  Don’t get me wrong…I get protective, I want everyone to know he is mine….I also like when people are jealous he is mine J  Just keep it honest, real and don’t close everyone else in the world out once you get into a relationship – and most importantly,  don’t be a demanding, controlling jealous bitch.   It is when you bring on jealousy, irrationality, and insecurity that he will want to be with the other woman. 

Clearly this guy’s girlfriend wasn’t doing something that he found me, the other woman,  to satisfy what was missing.  Or he is a total douchebag – but I’m not sticking around long enough to find out that answer.

Here’s to finding a guy who can’t wait to share his happy with me.



The girl who doesn’t mind if  you talk to the hot blonde for a few minutes at the bar, while buying me a drink then take me home and fuck me til my legs go numb J

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Fish Tacos Do Not Make Me Horny

Guy 7:  John
Age:  25
Kids: no
Status: Single
Employment: Apparently owned his own construction company - well clearly he did, he was wearing Timbs
Height:  OMG - 6'2" - yes yes yes, finally! I can be the little spoon for once    
Eyes:  Baby ice blue - stunning
Hair: Black -- meow
Build:  Tall and uber thin - fucking sexy and Adrien Brody you think I would have automatically been in love, so my type...if he didn't have so much gas. 
Outfit:  Jeans, flannel, Northface - nothing crazy, but nothing bad
First impression:  Alright - maybe playing this dating game is starting to pay off 
Blonde Date Blondie Rating:  Fuck it, I am saying 13, because it felt like I was on a date with a 13 year old.
Date #2?: oh helllll No.

This was a guy who I had been talking to via text for a few weeks setting up a date, and blew off about 3 times.  He lives in a town about 1.5 hours away so not that I really blew him off, but saved him the trip on days I wasn't 100% in the mood to be social.  I was saving him from a bad date. Right....huh? See I am not a bitch.  Either way, he was still so pathetic he accepted my offer to hang out on date 4. Finally.

I should have realized the red lights were flashing for a reason and stayed home all together.

Reasons I liked him: He had a sense of humor. He made me laugh...sometimes.  But now that I look back on it, I might have been laughing at him, now with him. Oops.

Reasons I didn't like him: Well first of all - I was about 20 minutes late - work reasons. Wait, that isn't a reason to not like him....And I walked in to find him at the bar standing there, and my first assumption would be he had ordered himself a drink. Right? Wouldn't you think. Well no.  He just stood there, taking up valuable bar space in the middle of a packed place, and didn't order a drink. But had one hand on the bar and the other on his hip as though he wanted to order a drink, or rather was pondering beckoning the bartender.  But when I asked him he said he had just been standing there for 20 minutes. And what? fake looking like you want to order a drink?? I dunno, guess that makes me an alcoholic that I feel someone needs to be liquored up to meet me.  Scratch that, clearly that makes me intolerable and I am the alcoholic.  I'm never going to have a boyfriend.

So we sit down, order a beer - the place we went had a fine selection to pick from - whatever, I had the server pick mine. The conversation is not forced, but not fluent.  We talk about work, and the city, why he lives where he lives....BELCH.  What the fuck. Dude just full on burped in the middle of conversation.  And this was before he had a sip of carbonated beer.  Who does that? Why would you belch, loudly, the first time meeting someone. Obviously he was not interested in me, or his mama didn't raise him to be a gentleman.  If he was funny, and enticing and we were having a grand old time and he did that - I'd laugh, I can get it sometimes.  But this shit was straight up- may have burped up his lunch and swallowed it for the second time- type of disgusting belch.  I swear I smelled grilled cheese for a good 10 seconds afterwards.

I am all about accepting life and our body have natural tendencies and actions we can not sometimes control, but atleast say excuse me.  Nothing. Not an 'sorry', 'oops', 'aw shit I chugged a 2 liter bottle of pop before I met you out' or even a 'Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color' reference.  Just straight up burping disgustingness.

We order our food, I opted for the Mediterranean chicken to go along with my some sort of beer selection from my server, all while I am thinking up reasons I can't stay after for a drink and need to leave.

Now we all know I am up for a good time and will make fucking ice cream sundaes out of shit and piss, but there was no hope for this one 'cause I am convinced he was coked out of his mind. The head twitches, the sniffing, the fidgeting, the white powder around the rim of his nostril...I had an ex who used to do that shit behind my back and it is not attractive to me.  Do it in your own time, not wasting mine.  I couldn't stand it.  It was like trying to have a conversation Willow Smith who kept whipping her hair back and forth.  I was getting a headache just trying to maintain eye contact with him.

Then our dinner arrived.  My Mediterranean chicken miraculously turned into Fish Tacos.  Now, I had never had fish tacos in my life. Nor had I wanted to eat Fish Tacos that night.  But I went with it, and tell ya, Fish Tacos are mighty tasty.  The best part of my Fish Tacos, is that I ended up paying for them in the end.  Literally. Doucher asked how I wanted to pay.  Icing on the cake that this date was O.V.E.R.  I through in my card, gave him the old 'thanks for a great time' and deleted his number.

Thinking after this date I won't only be eating more Fish Tacos for dinner, but might look into eating it for dessert from now on, if ya know what I mean.  Hot Dogs and Sausage are becoming less and less appetizing to me.

Here's to hoping I don't date so many shitty guys I start questioning if I might actually be a lesbian.

The Girl Who is Learning to Love Fish Tacos <3 :)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

A SPAMMED comment

Felt bad I was the only one who could read this comment because for some reason it was spammed???? wtf, this is a great one - I didn't even know that was possible to get a comment spammed - so I thought only fair to share some excerpts from it.  Especially since it is clearly from someone who thinks they know who is writing this blog...I figured I owed it to them.

---Stop pitying yourself for always liking the guy you can't have. Why don't you start feeling some remorse, and think about the not other girl, aka the GIRLFRIEND. This one post has shown the world your true colors. You aren't this strong, independent, woman who says "fuck the world, I am my own person and I own who I am." You are the OTHER WOMAN. Who is the other woman? A pathetic, pushover, who allows herself to be used, and allows herself to buy into the belief that he really cares about you. Haven't you said yourself, if he really cared, he wouldn't treat you like shit? He isn't testing you. He is using you. And you are freely allowing it. Self-induced emotional masochism at its finest. Why don't you actually grow a pair, get some self-esteem, tell this guy to fuck off, and stop feeling bad for yourself. No one has a pity party for the other woman.---

Well, glad they got that off their chest!  The only thing I will defend, is I do not pity myself. I am just writing. And yes, I know I am writing about things most people don't like, but I am not afraid to acknowledge certain dating issues. I do not expect, give nor feel any pity. Just being honest. I hope everyone does not get that confused with the objective behind this blog. 

Unfortunately for them, and myself, I will probably go on more dates. I will probably like more men. I will most likely make stupid mistakes. I will do things I regret.  I will say things that don't make sense.  I will follow my heart before I listen to my head. I will make decisions that will not seem like the right ones after the fact and that many will have opinions about. I will fall in love again. I will be heart broken again. I'm just living my life. I'm just being real.