Raw 11:53am: A Un-filtered Post

So I debated posting this - it is from a night I wish I could take back.  Not for any other reason than I hate when I do stupid things.  The men can come and go, and I know one day I will be worth the effort to someone...but when I do things I know I shouldn't - that really bothers me.

Here it is, I figured I let you all in to other aspects of my love/dating life, it is only fair to share it all, only one request, don't judge.  Ever.  Maybe you can relate. Maybe you can't.  Either way- enjoy.

11:53am:

"So yes, I went on a date with a 40 year old man tonight. But this is why I am single, because stupidly I went on this date so I could actually see the person I like . The person, who in the last 10 years, might be one of the few who I thought could wrap their head around the warped mind that is me.  Well I failed. He left. I am home. And I am sad. I regret things. I am glad I met him. Chances are I will never talk to him again, because I am a stubborn bitch that wouldn’t give the guy who left her stranded at a bar the time of day afterward,  clearly.  But it might not have been clear to him that I wanted him.  Chances are he never wanted me.  

In my mind I may have perceived what I was doing as a term of endearment – an expression of ‘why the fuck else would I come to this place, other than the fact that I knew you would be here."  But maybe he didn’t know that.   And maybe that is my fault because I do not do enough things in my emotional life that let others believe I am interested.  Hence the single-hood.  I am a tough shell to crack, but I want to love. I want to be with someone and complete them and entertain them.  I want to be the half of someones life that make them want to be a better person and I want to meet someone who  challenges me to be someone  better than I am each day. 

I thought I wasn't crazy for believing in that.   Then I realized I was wrong.  Stupid really.  I was played, yet again.  I know this guy had a girlfriend. (no judging)  But I am sucha  hopeless romantic that I would have done anything to believe that just for once, for fucking once in my life, someone got me. I really thought for once, there was a chance I could be happy.  That I could just be myself and be understood.

I should have never gone on that date in-front of him. I did it all wrong.  But there are certain things I would do all over again.  

I internalize a lot of what I feel, and I know that this certain individual reads these lame blog posts, and I just want to say one thing if he happens to run across this one, and that is; you make me want to wake up the morning. You have helped me to become more in-tune with my surroundings and appreciate everything that happens.   You are carefree and passionate about what you do for life, and I am honored to have known you for this period of time.

I hope one day to fall in love with someone like you – and even greater I hope some day someone as remarkable as you will fall in love with me.  Until that day, I won’t forget you."

Love,

The Girl who finally admitted her feelings.