Thursday, January 6, 2011

Possibly the Worst (and Best) Date EVER!

Guy 4:  Stan the Farmer
Age:  28
Kids: no
Status: Single
Employment: He builds cell phone towers..but his family owns a dairy farm…great!!! If he DIDN’T SMELL LIKE COW MANURE!
Height:  maybe 5’8”, with a gangsta limp    
Eyes:  He had 2
Hair: Dirty blonde – receding hair line
Build:  stout  - but looked like he had thin legs (don’t as me why I noticed that)
Outfit:  blah jeans, a hurly t shirt and aeropostle hoody…in a bluster snow storm….all made up just for me? Felt like I was on a date with my highschool boyfriend again.
First impression:  oh god, I am not going to like this one – but free dinner!
Blonde Date Blondie Rating:  2 – it ended up being one hell of a night!
Date #2?:  haha nope.

Moments that made me like him:  He was sweet – genuine, had a great heart. He meant well and was a caring person. I liked that I could tell he liked me…how arrogant is that?  He asked genuine and real questions about me - a trait that so many men lack.  He showed real interest in understanding who I was, if only I cared to share :)

Moments that made me not like him:    Where do I even begin? Maybe the point where he called me to tell me he was at the restaurant, and I arrived 2 minutes later,  and I think I passed his car, but who knows.  Well 5 minutes go by, 10 minutes go by... nearing 15 minutes later I realized I had been stood up.  Which I found hilarious! I was excited that for once in my life I was stood up – don’t judge,  I just always wondered if it actually happened and what it felt like.

As I was about to go to McDonalds, he walks into the bar, stands on the other side of where I am sitting and orders himself a drink.  My first thought was, oh, he doesn’t think I am pretty and regrets his decision. Double awesome, because I only wish every guy was this forward in how he felt about a woman!  Then he smiled and came over to me.   Damn.

I realized this farm boy was not going to buy my drink, so I hailed the cute bartender to make me a stiff one because I knew this was going to be along night. 

We ordered some food and by the time we were finished with our meals, I had learned all about his poor car accident that took away half of his teeth – which would explain the intense lisp and large white Chiclets looking smile he had.  I am not that big of a bitch – so I never thought anything of the lisp or teeth - and felt sad for him after he told me the horrific, 40 fucking minute story. Ok fine, I’ll sit through your pity party, but no reason to whip out your phone and start showing me pictures of you in the hospital bed, you in your own bed, you standing next to your smashed car, you holding your kitty next to the teeth that fell out (ok that last one was a lie, but really?) and the scratch on your leg and what you look like with no teeth…I am not going to have sex with you after that.

It wasn’t until after dinner things really started to get interesting.  He started ordering my drinks, and then ordered a shot.  Now, mind you, this guy is a farmer, lives in the boondocks 50 minutes away, and it is a blizzard outside.  Not to mention he was in a horrific car accident 3 months ago.  I highly doubted he should be drinking more than 2 beverages, let alone doing shots of Jameson.  But fuck, who am I to judge, and I did the shot with him.

It wasn’t until after this I started to notice a distinct smell.  I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I knew I had smelled it before.  It wasn’t a pretty smell, like fresh laundry or men’s Cool Water cologne that was sexy in 9th grade.  It also wasn’t an off-putting smell like BO or bad breathe.  God, what the hell was it?

Then it hit me.  He smelled like my childhood summers!  Every summer for 5 years I went to horse camp.  Where we groomed, fed and rode horses for weeks at a time. (get your mind out of the gutter people)  Each summer you were designated a horse and responsible for all care taking aspects of it.  Bathing, replacing shoes and maintaining  a clean stall, which obviously included shoveling out their shit from the stall and carrying it in barrels to a dump where the manure was processed for farming. 

And then it hit me, this man smells like manure. Are you freaking kidding me. It wasn’t that he looked dirty or I think he had stepped in it, but he mentioned his family were dairy farmers and though he lived there he was not on the farm.  Well – law of absorption I guess. Like when you sit around a camp fire and you go home you can’t get the smell out of your hoody or your skin – well this poor kid absorbed cow manure scent. How awful is that!

In the process of debating if I should tell him or not, I was looking around the bar and noticed I was the only female there – and there was a group of 6 hot looking men playing pool. It was at this moment I looked at my date and said, “you any good at pool?” and he said , “hell yea, I’m a shark”.  Then I did the most awful thing in the world – I said, “I bet you couldn’t beat those guys playing pool.”  If it is one thing I know about most men, they don’t like to loose, nor do they like a woman telling them what to do.  So I figured I would make it look like it was his decision for us to go over and spend time sitting around these 6 hot men, leaving me alone while he played.  I’m awful.  Then I realized I was on a date with this guy, and it would be completely inappropriate for me to scam him into playing pool with these guys just so I could sit there and talk to  hot men....

So my date is in the middle of his second match with one of the hot guys, (oops, I couldn't help myself!) and I am having a grand old time. Half of them were major pot heads and a few others had girlfriends and the rest were living at home with their  mother, so there was no real potential, but it was fun.   I found it hilarious when I saw my date lose the 2nd game and give the other kid $5 and when I asked him if he won, he said yes. Guess because I am a girl means I don't know the person to get the black ball in wins, idiot.

Then he offered to buy me another drink and shot.  I replied, “I can do a shot because I live fairly close, but  I woulnd’t want you to drink anymore because you have a long drive ahead of you.”  To which he replied, “oh no, I’ll be ok.”  And then it fucking hit me.  This kid is planning on coming home with me!  Well I figured it out because of that comment and the fact he tried unsuccessfully 3 times to kiss me and constantly tried to put his arm around me. Ew. Manure.

So it was operation ‘lose this kid’ from that point on.  As my date was buying us shots, one of the hot boys said we should come meet them at this other local club.  One that I had never heard of before that ended up being a local Russian organizational club. (o boy)  When my date returned, I said we should be crazy and go somewhere else, and he was astonished with the fact that I was so carefree and outgoing I would want to go to a place I had never been.  Idiot.

As we are walking to this other place, I realized my date was not with me any more.  I turned around and about 10 feet away, there he was, wobbling toward me like he couldn't bend his knee..  Opps, I had forgotten he broke his foot in the car accident and had 4 pins in it.  I knew this because I saw the picture of his foot immediately after the accident, his foot in the cast held up next to the car and then the xray of the pins in his foot.  What had I gotten myself into.

After taking my walking pace down to that of  a 90 year old, we finally arrived at the new place; Walked up 4 flights of dark stairs to an unmarked door where we found  7 dudes smoking cigarettes and drinking at a long dingy bar.   I knew I should have feared for my life and expected some sort of gang bang, but I loved it! I knew I could handle my own and found it hilarious I had coaxed my date into coming to meet the hot guys.

As we started playing pool I hadn’t forgotten the fact I needed to ditch this guy before he wanted to leave, because I feared the moment I told him I was ready to go, he would do everything to leave with me and try to follow me home.  Oh fuck no, there was no way my stuff was going to have manure stench.

So the only way to ensure this wouldn't’ happen, would be to flee the scene without him knowing.  Which proved to be fairly difficult, considering there was only one exit visible from anywhere in the bar, and there were only 9 people in it, so when one of us went missing it would be obvious.

The rest of the evening turned out to be fun – I made friends with the little coked-out female bartender – surprise surprise, which led to insane amounts of shots and free drinks, the boys started playing pool against each other, and I had become a therapist to one of the new girls that walked it  - helping her figure out if her boyfriend not answering her texts for the last 30 minutes meant he was cheating on her.  I told her no- the fact he is out without you and did not tell you where he is, means he is cheating on you.  Jeeze, do I have to teach these people everything.

I glanced at my watch and it was getting late – I had to work tomorrow! 2 of the stoner guys were getting unhigh and wanted to 'blow this popsicle' stand to ‘smoke some killer green’.  This was it! My perfect opportunity to sneak away without my date noticing.  All I would have to do is sandwich myself between these two tall boys so he didn’t see me and be free!

Well only problem was I could see my date looking around for me every moment I was not near him. Luckily and stupidly, I had left my purse at the end of the very long bar.  When I saw him looking for me, I ducked behind one of the tall boys and watched my dates movements through the crack in the stoners armpit.  So he noticed my purse, probably thought I had went to the bathroom, and then turned to return to his manly game of pool.

Now, I don’t remember it exactly, as it was all a blur of genius and wit, but the moment I saw him turn his back to me to play pool, I knew it was my time to escape.  Immediately after I saw his eyes return to the table, I pulled out my highschool basketball spin move, bolted across the bar, grabbed my purse and coat as I was simultaneously opening the door and flying down 4 flights of stairs. I exploded out of that front door faster than I ever ran at a high school track meet.  My arms were pumping so fast the intense wind I felt in my hair wasn’t from nature, but the speed of my arm movement.  This bitch was on a mission. 

I threw my coat on as I was running insanely down the snow covered street, hugged my purse for dear life and never looked back at that Russian club.  I had made it out a live.  This time.

The last thing I remember is hearing the 2stoners behind me saying, “dude, where’s my car.”

Now I say that is a pretty damn good night. But no long term potential.

Keep the Number?:  I never heard from him again – just a text 30 minute after I got home.  “Hey, where did you go.”

Here’s to one hell of a night!
The Girl who can really play pool:)


Anonymous said...

Maybe YOU picking the wrong guys (ie EVERY date you've been on so far if you are telling the truth here) is that problem, not these supposedly "loser" guys you go out with, use/get free meals out of, and basically make fun of afterwards? If people said these kinds of things about you after your dates wouldn't you be mortified? I'll stop complaining and stop reading too...

A Girl's Gotta Eat said...

Please, don't stop complaining - that is what blogs are about! I wouldn't be doing this is I didn't stand behind what I was doing - regardless if I was writing about it or not, it would still be happening and the same conversation would be had between me a friend and a glass of wine. I am just sharing it with the world now.

I understand and respect that what I do and say is not going to be accepted and appreciated by everyone, and you have every right to stop reading, but it won't stop me from writing.

As far as being mortified if someone wrote about me after a date, honestly I would love it. Just as much as I love you being open and honest about your feelings - I would love to know what people thought of me. (do know names and some identifiers have been changed)

I know I am not everyone's cup of tea, but I am just a care free single woman willing to actually do something about finding a happy ending.

There are great happy dating stories, and those will come at another time, but let's be honest - people are attracted to the tragic and sad :)

Thank you for your input and best of luck in love!

Anonymous said...

"I told her no- the fact he is out without you and did not tell you where he is, means he is cheating on you. Jeeze, do I have to teach these people everything."

OK, I really don't get it... are you telling her no, her boyfriend is not cheating on her? Or yes, obviously he is?

I tried to pick a random piece of your writing to criticize because:

1) I'm not an English teacher, but reading poorly constructed sentences makes my brain hurt.

2) Your stories don't even make sense. If you're telling this girl that her boyfriend is cheating after 30 mins sans-text/call, then how can you ever expect someone to text/call you within your time limit for being interested (whatever that time frame may be)

Anonymous said...

"I told her no- the fact he is out without you and did not tell you where he is, means he is cheating on you. Jeeze, do I have to teach these people everything."

Sorry, a continuation of my last comment.

Does someone need to teach YOU everything? I don't get it... Yeah, the guys I've read about have been douchers... ever think that your attitude attracts that kind of guy? I'm really not trying to be a bitch... but maybe if you relaxed a bit. Or even maybe provided a link to your online dating profile your fearless fans could provide a bit of feedback or something to hopefully get you better dates.

rutskydanske said...

sounds like my buddy trying to escape this fat chick. he banged her.

A Girl's Gotta Eat said...

Hahaha nice @rutskydanske!