Wednesday, December 15, 2010

How do you NOT become pathetic?

I like this boy. Have not heard back from him.  He clearly does not like me.

I know this, and will not become crazy and try to text him again.  Unfortunately, most girls don't.

It got me to thinking, how many strikes should we allow them? I mean, we don't want to be pushy - but then we always get told "it's your own fault you are single, you don't let a guy know you like him when you do", we think we have to exhaust all options to get noticed and "win the prize".  Well hell, how do I let him know? Do I write it with lipstick on his mirror, do I write him folded notes and ask his mom to give it to him, do I facebook him a message, am I supposed to write "call me" in the snow on his windshield???  What is the proper way to let a guy know you are interested? Do you literally just say, I like you, lets hang out.  Because then I think there would have to be some subtext that mentions you do not want his penis to hangout of his pants, because you are looking for a serious mature relationship, and no I do not want to go back to your place to play twister, you scumbag, do I look like a slut??! ah, anyways.

I just feel like getting older and mature, and sexually experienced, women feel the only way they can tell a guy they like them is by hooking up with them, and unfortunately women think the only way they can tell if a guy likes them is if they try to hook up with her. Which in turn leads to girls being dumb and giving a guy head, just so they feel wanted, needed and think the guy is interested, because they are CLEARLY showing they are interested in him, and now he will totally fall in love with her because she is so amazing and does everything he wants.   No mom, I did not give a guy head for him to like me. At least not this year.

NEWS FLASH - no guy is going to date you if you give it up on the first date. At least not one you should want to date, unless you are in to the whole cheating, heartache, melodramatic relationship. I've been there.  I have been so blinded by love, I didn't see my own Independence and life falling through the small crack of civilization I exposed myself to.  I literally have lost friends because of boyfriends, I have failed in jobs because of boyfriends,  because I have fallen victim to the "I need to know he wants me" theory.  It is not fun.   Which is why I want to know what do normal women do to let a guy know they like them???

What the fuck - Now I am screwed because I want someone who will take charge and not be shy to show me he is interested, but those are the type of guys I have dated in the past, duh RED FLAG. I am becoming a nun.

So how many strikes is ok to give a guy to hang out.  I say go with the tried and trusted 2.  Ask him to do something. Perhaps something comes up, he can't.  No problems, don't cry....yet.  Tell him to get a hold of you when he is free and can hang out, if you don't hear from him....he doesn't like you.  Yes, just like the book, He is Just not That Into You! Learn it, Like it...Live by it.  No guy is going to blow you off for a week if he likes you.  So 2 strikes, he is gone.    Chances are he is dating someone, has someone else on his radar he likes better than you, or just plain does not like you.  So don't be pathetic and play the whole "Oh I just want to be friends with him" and waste your precious time getting coffee with him and watching football with him on Sunday and bringing over chip dip, or  talking to him about his relationship the HOPES he will change his mind and see how wonderful you are.  He is not going to - he does not care.

If he wanted you, he would not risk letting a moment pass that he might lose you to someone else.

Maybe I am wrong. and this is why I am single. So tell me what I should be doing geniuses.

Off to another blind date!!
The girl who clearly should not be giving dating advice :)


Sarah K. said...

I totally agree with 2 strikes. It took me many years, but I am finally able to admit to myself that if he doesn't try to get a hold of me, than he just doesn't like me...and, I'm ok with that. Rejection is a part of life and it is not embarassing or happens and we should just move on. Good luck girlfriend! I know that you are well on your way to finding that 'someone' :)

Dude that reads girls blogs said...

True. If I like you I'll find a way to get in touch with you. Also the two strike principle applies to dudes as well (as in, I'm only asking you twice to hang out). Then it's your loss

Anonymous said...

Yes I agree with the last couple paragraphs, no guy wants to miss out on opportunities to get to know a girl they like. if he's not feeling you & makes you wait around to get a call, he isn't the one for you. i think it's easy to let a guy know you like him, but you have to be simple and obvious. tell him you like him. make plans with him and ask questions about his life.

Jason Burk said...

Fun read! I like the two date rule, because on the first date there is so much pressure to get to know each other that it clouds the interaction. The second date is more easygoing, but should still be as lively and adventurous as a first date.

I would suggest that if you're into a guy after the first date, wait a day or two and text or email that you had a good time. It's simple and if he wants to take ask you again, he will act on it.

At the same time, don't get hung up on one date by having a good social life and meet people all the time.

For the guy perspective on dating in your mid-20s on a budget, check out my blog:

From Latin Ma said...

Really enjoyed your post.Here comes a really long response so apologies in advance.

I'm not a guy expert but I have spent more time in interactions and relationships with men than with women in my life and what I can share from my humble experiences is the following:

1. What you ultimately desire and what you expect is not the same thing. Expectations will kill you because the only alternative to not getting what you "expect" is disappointment and everyone should have a better alternative than that for going out on a limb and putting themselves out there.

What I mean is the following. When you meet someone that you enjoyed talking to or looking at (hopefully both)don't assume that he had as good of a time as you did and don't "expect" him to get in touch with you right away. And definitely do not read into things too much. Him checking you out does not qualify as being seriously interested. Men simply like to look and women are beautiful so why wouldn't they. Like some girls, guys are also guilty of enjoying getting attention from women whether they like them or not so keep that in mind. We do it more often than we'd like to admit to wouldn't you say?

2. If you exchange information you can be proactive and send him a text or Facebook message to let him know it's you and that it was nice to meet him and talk to him about whatever, something that will call for a response so you are initiating 2-way communication. The whole waiting a certain amount of time before texting or calling is a game of control that both sexes play and you choose whether you want in.

As for me, I don't have patience and I want to know as soon as possible if I am wasting my time or not. If I want to see a guy again I give him the opportunity to partake in activities that I plan to do with or without him, whether it's a happy hour, dancing, house party or hiking. That takes off the pressure of inviting them to do something one-on-one and it gives you the opportunity to get to know them a little better. If all goes well, you offer to hit another place one on one after the 1st place. It always works for me.

If he is not interested I don't take it personally and I don't like the term "REJECTED". There is such a stigma to it as if we are a product with a malfunction that needs to be sent back to the factory because no one will buy us off the shelf. The implication is that there is something wrong with us if we are rejected and we should have a little more self love and respect to assume that that is the case.

3. If you realize that you really like a guy (for more reasons than his biceps or his jaw line), let him know! Believe it or not, most guys like honesty and they don't like the mind games so don’t flirt with his best friend and everyone else at the party if you want him to know that you like him. What is someone supposed to think? Tell them that you think they are cool or funny and that you enjoyed spending time with them. They may need the confidence boost to be more open, flirty or aggressive with you.

4. YOU DEFINE THE BOUNDARIES FROM DAY 1! Of course men want sex and so do we, but it's up to us to decide whether they get it or not. Don't let him be the one that determines that and you should never give it up just because you think it will make him like you more. If you do that you are putting yourself at a disadvantage by undervaluing everything else that you have to offer a man in a relationship. If he just wants sex you are probably not the only one he can get it from. If you want a man to want you for more than just sex than you need to set boundaries. Yes, it will only make him want to cross them but YOU define what the cost will be…whether it’s several dates or an exclusive relationship. If it makes him not want to see you again then you know what he’s really after. You shape your destiny after that.

From Latin Ma said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
From Latin America with Love said...
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A Girl's Gotta Eat said...

Well I am glad people can admit I am right! :)

But seriously - Dude that read girls blogs - I am glad you agree that if you are interested you will make an effort. Women are so set on emotion and growth that we think we can 'mold' someone into who we want them to be. By telling ourselves "maybe he is just shy" and then forcing ourselves on them, then doing ridiculous things to keep their attention, which obviously someone is going to pay attention to you if you wait on them hand and foot.

Have some dignity ladies and gents! I know I lost mine years ago, soo who am I to talk, but just listen to me. Don't waste your time on someone who you want to try to make like you, give up. move on. spend your time on doing things where you can meet people. find new friends. whatever it takes!

Latin Ma - I love you and you need to write more on my blog.

The end.

Anonymous said...

"NEWS FLASH - no guy is going to date you if you give it up on the first date. At least not one you should want to date, unless you are in to the whole cheating, heartache, melodramatic relationship."

Not true in all cases. I'm in a solid relationship and completely happy with a guy who started out for me as a one night stand.

Granted, he was very persistent while I repeatedly blew him off for dates after that one night of drunken fun in the very beginning... but it all worked out and I'm wicked, wicked happy.

Giving it up on the first date/encounter isn't necessarily a death knell for a future relationship, but it can be dangerous ground. So rather than "never ever, don't ever do this" maybe "approach with caution" is a bit of better advice.

Regardless, I love your blog :)