Friday, February 25, 2011

The Other Girl

I warn my readers – I have to preface with my interpretation of dating.  Even growing up among friends, the terms of casual relationships differed greatly in meaning. To me dating was something that you could do with multiple people at the same time.  The point is to ‘date’ to see whom you like and if you are compatible.   Dating never involved sex.  Having sex with multiple people - I consider being a whore if you are looking for love, if you are in college, different story  - and being understanding as I am, really to each your own.

Back to the point - After you dated a few people, and you went on a few dates, you then entered the ‘relationship’ ‘going out’ stage, which summed up to monogamy.  This is at the only point when I am with someone care for, that I will consider sex.  (mom, admit it, you know I am not a virgin – you read my secret diary too many times even pretend like you think I haven’t had sex).  My long story short, is that dating to me is the non-monogamous point of a relationship, each party I am dating should not be concerned I am sleeping with someone else, and it really is for me to find out who I would want to share my time, and vagina with.

Like any business owner will tell you of it’s employees, “it has to be a good fit for both of us.”  Which means I think dating is also a time when guys could be seeing multiple people, and being included in their mix, sooner or later they may realize they have lost their appetite for learning about me.  I am ok with that.  That is what dating is about.

My point to this defensive description is that I am willing to finally talk about one of the good dates I have been on.  Hoping there is no judgment passed that though I may see this individual frequently, I will continue to go on blind dates.

Let me rewind. In all honesty there has not been a date at all.  Simply two individuals drawn to eachother by madness and intrigue.   Have you ever met someone like that in your life, that you are so similar to- you fear it could destroy you? 

Although I don’t think he is as attentive to everyone that he is to me, I find my self starting to realize I am falling into ‘the other girl’ category.  You guessed it, he has a girlfriend.  Which, being an adult and knowing that ahead of time I will accept any criticism for, because as I stated, I was aware of it ahead of time.  Dr. Phil might even say I continued to pursue my interest because I knew he was unattainable.   Fuck my life.

It is not the presence of the girlfriend in this situation that has ruffled me.  We have been in public three times in the last 2 weeks – exchanging intimate touches and kisses, and I have no problem admitting to anyone he has a girifriend.  Listen to this…he had the audacity to say to me,  “I get jealous thinking of you going on all these blind dates, but who am I to say that because I have a girlfriend” – I am testing him and he is testing me -

At what point do you go from being interested in someone, to completely becoming ‘the other girl’.  As irrational as it may sound – I understand how men and women cheat on boyfriends. With ridiculous line fed to you like “her and I are on and off for years” or “my situation” is different.  Which ironically I completely understand. Insecure people need to keep simple people around to feel balanced and grounded. And they tend to be the ones who are strive for the great love – the one they write stories about.  Then there is the “she knows I am seeing other people” line – that seems somewhat plausible considering he is willing to be seen in public with me and introduce me to people – but I know it is still bull shit.   In all honesty I have summed it up to them being porn starts or swingers.  Hey – I’ll try anything once (sorry dad)

So whatever – I am the other girl.  First for everything.

More to come on this guy later…there are SOOO many stories….haha.

Here’s to hoping I get slapped in the face for this one and wake up.


The Girl Who constantly likes guys she can’t have so she inevitably will be angry and single 


Stacy Claire said...

This makes me sad. I did not know. I wish you did not let yourself be the other girl b/c I know deep down it hurts. You deserve better than that. You're better and deserve more than this detached, bitter, angry and objective perspective conveyed here. I'm sad. I imagine you are too.

Anonymous said...

It's interesting that the only two guys you seem to have any real feelings for (at least that you've written about in these blogs) both have girlfriends. Seems unfair to their girlfriends and to you...
Just know that if these guys are doing it to their girlfriends, they'll probably do it to you. It's a persoanlity trait, not something brought on by the circumstances of a relationship. Cheaters are always cheaters. And there's no justification for being the other woman. It's mean and I assume you wouldn't want someone else to do it to you. It's worse that the guy is doing it since he's the one that made the committment but it still a nasty thing to do to another person. Do you really want a relationship that would result in someone else's heartbreak?

Tanya (a Taste of T) said...

Since I'm new here, I have zero advice or judgment. I can say that life is full of all kinds of experiences...but they're all yours :). YOu make life whatever you want.

<3, New Follower
Everyone loves a giveaway

Anonymous said...

Im Shocked...Your better than that!!!!


Anonymous said...

Aw, I'm sorry to hear that. The best advice I have about these type of guys is that if he'd date someone behind his g/fs back, he'd do it to any girl, including you! It really is his issues and immaturity and general douchiness, not because his g/f is boring, or safe, or doesn't brush her teeth.

And, you deserve better. Seems like you are scared to make yourself totally vunerable to someone who could hurt you, and that's okay/understandable. But it doesn't mean you deserve to be someones half eaten side dish.

Lastly, not to be judgy, because this is 90% on him, but imagine how you would feel if you finally opened up to someone and he stepped out on you like this guy is doing to his gf (wife?!). It's not fair to her and it's not fair to you, I really think you should rethink the message you are sending this guy about how much you respect yourself and how much you respect others.

Just my $.02

A Girl's Gotta Eat said...

@anonymous1 - you are right, I do think about the fact that they would do it to me. I definitely do not think it is fair to the other girl, let alone the girlfriend. But, I think we have all either thought about it, or ended up being it. I guess I wrote about it for the people who have been through it need to know they are not alone. I am not always proud of my choices...but god damn, they are my wrong choices right! hahaha...sometimes I think I am so smart...then this happens! But I completely agree - cheaters are always cheaters - that's why thankfully I got my head out of my ass and put that one as a check on the bucket list.

@Tanya - I totally agree! and welcome your enthusiasm and thanks for joining! Enjoy the read and look forward to more of your comments!

@anonymous2 - you are so right, and I love your point "message I am sending about respecting myself" - honestly, I think there are so many women/girls out there that don't understand this (clearly my ass included) - and they don't see getting walked all over and at the beck and call of just anything they are showing how low their self respect is...then we wonder why they treat us like shit the rest of the relationship!

No more dating boys with gfs from now on!

Anonymous said...

Ok, 1st, I love your writing. 2nd, I'm not judging. I've been both. I don't know how I became ''the other girl''. I knew he had a girlfriend. And she knew of me. I certainly wasn't a secret. We were always in public, lots of pda. And I kept waiting for him. Years. He never left her. I was so in love with him, I somehow lost myself. When the realization that he & I would never really be, I finally distracted myself with someone new. Fast forward 3 years, my husband had ''the other girl''. I did not turn my head to her. I left him. And I think everyday, ''this is my karma''. 3rdly, you are an intelligent, gorgeous person. You deserve much better. And you do not need any man's moral wrong doing to dirty your future karma. 4th, I'm happy to read you crossed him off your list.

Anonymous said...

To those saying "he did it to them, he'll do it to you" - that is not necessarily true. Typically people cheat because there is something they are not getting at home. There is much less of a need or desire to cheat at home when you are getting what you want (typically in the bedroom).
When your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife hints at trying something new in the bedroom - you had better listen up and give it a shot even if its not something you want to do. REMEMBER - anything you won't do in the bedroom - there is someone out there that will! The "other girl" is simply fulfilling something that the wife or girlfriend apparently didn't listen to or refused to try.
With the days of internet porn - you ladies have the bar set pretty high for things guys want done in the bedroom.

A Girl's Gotta Eat said...

@anonymous 2 above - thanks for sharing. I have heard both side of the story before. Unfortunately, one like yours where the 'other girl' never became the 'one' and when you inevitably end up having a husband with 'the other girl'....and then I have also heard the 'other girl' who ends up being the 'one' and the love of his life. He just needed to get through. So who am I to decide if my situation is the good or bad scenario - I just rode it out to finish the course!

So it is tough, and I am truly sorry you had to go through both of the scenarios, but I am so personally empowered by the fact that you made the decision to leave and know what you could not live with. I hope things are better for you now in love - and thank you for looking out for my karma :)

<3 AGG2eat

A Girl's Gotta Eat said...

@anonymous the latest one - you are taking the words right out of my mouth! I agree with you, cheating is a sign of not being fullfilled some how - most times it comes down to sexual favors, but then sometimes it is also someone who just listens and is interested in the daily routine of their life.

I am in full support of keep your man satisfied in the bed; try new things, make it fresh, live outside your comfort zone a little bit - of all the men I have interviewed and admitted to cheating, 90% said it wa sex related - a good majority was because their other wouldn't do anal...not saying you have to, but come up with compromise, don't just say NO

- and most importantly, listen to him. He wants someone who is eager to hear about his day and make him feel important, strong and like a 'man'. If he still isn't mowing the grass Sunday morning like you ask him to, there is probably a reason. Maybe Sundays he likes it to be his 'stay in his PJ's and read day' but you won't know until you ask.

So I agree - the 'other girl' is 'filling in the void' - just get to a point of comfortable communication with your significant other so that you are aware of the voids and can try to fill them yourself.

Most importantly don't be bitch - why would he want to spend time with someone who is always nagging?

That's my 2 cents :)