So how I ended up where I ended up is not important. Leave it to 3 best friends from elementary school to guarantee a great night. Sum it up to free drinks and shots from the bartender all night. Guess he liked crazy sarcastic bitches. Let’s fast forward to the end of the night, when all parties other than myself had departed and I was joined by a close guy friend. Yes, I was joined by a man at 2am at a bar, that I was not going to fuck. He is just a friend. I am sure at some point in our friendship one of us wanted to throw each other over into a downward dog pose or make ear muffs out of their legs, but it’s just never gonna happen. Well, lets be honest, if we both had been drunk that might have happened. But it wasn’t and it didn’t. Just two adult human beings sitting at the end of a bar – drinking water.
Then my friend leaves to use the restroom…and ZOOM! Tall, overweight bald man approaches…asking if I want shots. No I say, I do not want shots, but I am not rude, as I never am. He then proceeds to tell me how he is technically considered a Freshman at college (he is 27), but realistically he is a sophomore, because he took classes before he entered the military for 4 years and returned, and the college he attends now will not accept any of the credits he obtained from his 1.5 years prior to the military. OK.
I never asked if he was in school. But I understand, he clearly thinks I am attractive (thank you beer goggles!) and had enough balls to approach me while I was there, with another man. Great. I understand, I appreciate a man’s effort and obviously understand the trials with dating, but dude, don’t sit there for 7 minutes (I know because my friend was texting me drunken lyrics of ‘sweet Caroline’ so the time kept showing) and tell me about yourself and how awesome you are. Try and ask me how awesome I am! (duh)
So my friend returns, haven’t seen him in over 4 months prior to tonight, so we are trying to catch up – well yep, nope impossible because TOB (Tall obese Bald) man keeps interrupting. Then TOB asks me if I want to come over and meet his friends. What?? Why the fuck would I want to meet your friends. I am not dating you, I will not date you, I do not need to know your friends and more importantly, I am not going to the parade with you tomorrow. Why want to introduce me to your friends, because I might end up finding one of them more interesting than you. Are you trying show me off to them….like ‘oh daddy, look what I found! Can I keep it!’ Like ew.
But anyways. He leaves. But comes back. An hour later my friend walks away to use the restroom again. He comes up asking “can I introduce you to my friends”. No dude. Now you are creeping me out. Then he asks “why aren’t’ you drinking” to that I say, I am a responsible individual and I have to drive (when really I was thinking I’ll order my own shit because I don’t want to run the possibility of you roofing me.)
Then I get pissed. He has the balls to ridicule my guy friend for not drinking. To that I respond, “really, it is fucking dumb that someone is at a bar not drinking. Have you even considered the fact maybe there is a valid reason he is not drinking at the bar. How about the issue of growing up with an alcoholic father who beat you, and being a mature adult he is able to recognize the trait and not want to become the same person, but yet he values friendship enough to stay up late to catch up with me. And I having suffered the loss of friends/family to drunk driving will not get behind the wheel if I know I have had too much to drink. You are right TOB, my friend is lame for not drinking, because if he was he might have a slight possibility of being as big of a douchebag as you.”
I smiled, took a sip of my ice-cold lemon water and swiveled the other way on stool.
Think he got the point I didn’t want to meet his friends?
My friend came back from the restroom wondering why everyone at the end of the bar was starring at me…I just said “can you blame them?”
Here’s to hoping TOB didn’t roofie some poor unwilling soul and learns some manners. I don’t fucking get guys these days!
The girl who doesn’t take shit from douchebags when you insult my friends J