Saturday, April 9, 2011

I Like to Be Naked...

Guy 9:  Joseph
Age:  32
Kids: no, he does not, but when he does he wants them to start drinking wine at age 9, because 'that is what is wrong with today's youth'
Status: divorced...
Employment: rapper, artist, linguist, architect, landscaper, bartender, antique furniture builder, appraiser, designer, sculptor, dancer, writer, poet, traveler, movie critic, UPS delivery man, personal trainer, dog lover, vagina master, wild lion tamer....jesus. he is jesus.
Height:  6'2" 
Eyes:  light blue
Hair: you know that thin blonde hair that looks like little spikes on-top of a shiny bald head because they put the gel in their hair directly after the shower when their hair is wet? Yep - tag that. 
Build:  maybe if he flexed his muscled I would say body builder - but it kinda looked flabby to me
Outfit:  hahahahahha. oh boy.
First impression:  Fuck - this guy is hot. 
Blonde Date Blondie Rating:  before he opened his mouth: 8, after he opened his mouth: 2, because he liked tequila.
Date #2?: no date, maybe friendships. 

Reasons I liked him: He was kind - he talked...a lot.  I knew if I were to get in a fight with the Italian MOB  - he would protect me. He had a zest for life - and he seemed to enjoy himself regardless of what he was doing. Which changed every day.  I don't know if that was because he had no shame or because he didn't know any better that he looked like a fool...anyways.

Reasons I didn't like him: OK - seriously, don't tell me you have never had a date that was hot until they opened their mouth.  And not just because they had bad teeth (which this one did) but because they ruin all that physical beauty and potential for great sex by carrying on the most mundane and irrelevant conversation....oh! and not to mention they talk about themselves for 3 hours straight.  I wanted to be like DUDE SHUT UP! Women like mystery, secrets and damaged men.  Don't even say you don't ladies.  We love a man who we feel like we can nurture and care for.  The more wounded the better. It is how we feel validated. Especially if you are from my generation, where our parents might have been one of the last to subscribe to the 'stay at home wife' lifestyle - we find some value in providing for our men.

Anyways off my side note - this guy had potential...but really, and I am saying this because I am looking out for his best interests, he needed to go to laughing class.  His shit was like Ernie from Sesame Street.  

A bad laugh can ruin a date. No one wants to hear you sound like a vacuum that has a quarter stuck in it's hose.  Or even worse, the sound you can make by squeezing a blown up balloon in your hand...that annoying awful sound.

So we ate, had drinks...and he told me he loves tequila...I asked why of course. He said cause it gets him drunk and he does crazy things.  Naturally I was interested in the crazy and asked what it was...'I get naked...mostly.  Like last weekend I danced at a club with a group of cougars, on a bachelorette was sweet.' ahahhah eheeeeeiiiiiI!!!1!yyyehhhhhhhhaaaaahahahaheeeee (insert annoying hyena laugh).

Dude likes to get crazy and get naked? ohhh ok. To which he then proceeds to inform me he has spent his entire life mastering eating a girl out.

I don't fucking care.

Maybe I am crazy, cause that  does not make my vagina wet.  Does that turn on other women? On the first date a dude telling you he mastered the skill of carpet munching? To me it just means he will do it to just anyone....which I don't want. Maybe sluts what that. I don't that. I don't get it..what is the point of saying that?  Then, to top it off, he did some crazy one eyebrow raise and licked his lips....Yep - that was the moment he went from an 8 to 2 two.

So I took a shot of tequila, smiled and enjoyed the rest of my evening.

I had fun. I always have fun. But What the fuck is wrong with men out there?

Here's to hoping the next one saves the clit licking talk until date 2.

The girl who needs a hearing test after this date.



v badbunny said...

aw man....

the second a guy i was on a date with pulled some kind of weird inappropriate sexual comment on me, he was instantly under fire.

sometimes i'd let the flames build slowly and make him feel as awkward as possible, others, i'd bluntly say something that effortlessly brought his loserness out into the cold light of day.

i think we might be kindred spirits, you and i :)

i hate dating!!!

but i loved your description of that guy's laugh!



An Anguished Heart said...

I agree. Comments of that sort are certainly not appropriate for first date conversation.

Why does it seem there is always something wrong with men who could have potential? And those who seem "perfect" are usually unavailable? It's not fair.

A Girl's Gotta Eat said...

@vbadbunny...I totally think we are kindred spirits :) I will be keeping an eye on you :)....I LOVE the fact you called him out on his shit and made him feel awkward...because first of all, didn't they learn any manners, and if they say they are doing it because they are not interested in you and want to blow the date...there are many more mature ways to do that (haha as I write a nasty blog about all my horrific dates...cause THAT'S mature.)

@anangquishedheart - so so seems the ones we think could be perfect are unavailable in many different ways (emotionally, sexually, intelligently, distance...)

I honestly think a lot of it sums up to the fact that the ones who have potential, KNOW they are not perfect...therefore they show interest, they come across as 'desperate' and 'willing' to be in a relationship. And girls, women...chicks don't want that. We find it foreign that there could be someone out there who sees us only one time and is genuinely attracted and interested in us. And when they do nice things for us to show us that they like us, we call them lame...or gay.

We are all destined to be alone and single and writing blogs for our entire. dam. lonely. life.


Love you ladies!