Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Other Girl..PT 2

I sit in meetings all day, at my desk, on my couch watching tv, out to lunch with my girlfriends and I think.  I sit a lot.  Anywhere, everywhere I sit I always end up thinking about the fact that I am single.  In any conversation, presentation or observation there is a moment of my life that I wish I could share with someone else.  There are things I see I want to tell someone about, there are feelings I have I want to discuss with someone.  I have friends. I have lots of friends. But I wish I had a partner. Someone who is passionate about his life, career and friends.   So maybe that is why I fell for the guy with girlfriend.  And then got over him, in a week…but still. I admit I did it.  But I got to thinking why did I like a guy I knew who had a girlfriend?

You know the more I think about it – I am drawn to him because I love his enthusiasm, his zest for life – passion for his career, and oddly the sexiest trait in a man to me is someone who maintains their crazy character in any situation and is passionate about what they do.  I don’t mind a man who will spend more time at a bar talking to friends or the owner instead of me, because I do that. I don’t mind a man who might not be next to me the entire night, but his eyes are never left from my smile as I laugh at a friends joke across the room.  He might not be next to me, but he is aware and confident in himself and me.

That’s what I like about guys like him.  They don’t need me to happy. They have a reason to life and live it - and they have a way with a room – and I happen to be the lucky one in that room they are thinking about.  And I want that. To be the one in the room they love.   I want to be the person who they might not need to make them happy – but the one they want to share in their happy with them.  That’s what I want to be. Someone’s happy.

Not the other girl.  You know there is always an instant when you start dating someone who you know has a girlfriend, that you clearly think/hope they will leave the other person for you. But would you really want that man if he is a cheater?

I can understand a man who wants to cheat on his girlfriend and claims he doesn’t really care about her, as fucked up as that sounds, I have very good guy friends who confide in me about things, so I hear both sides  - but if that man liked me he wouldn’t ask me to change his name, profession and appearance on my blog if he didn’t actually care if his girlfriend found out we kissed. If you don’t care about your simple relationship with your ‘on off girl friend’ who ‘if she broke up with you, you would not care’ because ‘you are both looking for other people’ and ‘know that the other is dating’, then you shouldn’t get nervous when you start dating someone who you know writes a blog about her dating experience and say she has to change your name and profession if you write about him..shady!  Other than your girlfriend, there couldn’t be another reason for you to be so cautious.

I get torn still even knowing this.  I like him because he makes me feel special and relates to my thoughts and passion.  I don’t like men who are just like everyone else. I want an outside of the box, right brained, ADD, a carefree caring freak.  Someone who is different, and special to me.  But if I made him feel as special as he says I do, he wouldn’t want to lose me, if not me, than that feeling he has when he is with me – and he would admit to himself, just as intensely as I do, that there is a possibility for finding someone who understands and accepts everything about you – good, bad, strange, old and new.  I wish everyone, myself included, would stop with the fucking sob story that ‘happiness does not exist and because of past relationships breaking your fucking heart we assume there is no one out there that will understand you’…get over it and realize it can happen.

Just do things to make yourself feel good.  Flirt when you are out!  I think flirting is great for a relationship – as long as the relationship has trust and honesty, flirting is the best way to keep the passion.  Think about it – when you first met the person you are now in love with, there were those warm thoughts, caterpillars in your tummy and a confident glow about you that made you seem even more attractive.  Because when people flirt with you back, you feel good about yourself.  It is a shameless confidence booster.

We all need to be reminded, sometimes by strangers, of what a beautiful smile we have, or the wonderful laugh we have that fills a room, or eyes that are as blue as the sky. There should be absolutely nothing wrong with verbal flirting as long as you are confident and intelligent enough to know not to let it go any further.  When you feel your best about yourself is when you give the best you to your partner.  And sometimes after a long relationship – the spark can’t light the fire every night.

I remember talking about it with an ex once and we agreed, flirting was OK with other people, because at the end of the night, we are going home together – and the thought of making the rest of the people jealous seeing how happy we were together was exciting.  I don’t care when a boyfriend talks to another woman – woman should be flattered when other woman find their men attractive – just sit back, smile and know you are the lucky one who has him.  Don’t get me wrong…I get protective, I want everyone to know he is mine….I also like when people are jealous he is mine J  Just keep it honest, real and don’t close everyone else in the world out once you get into a relationship – and most importantly,  don’t be a demanding, controlling jealous bitch.   It is when you bring on jealousy, irrationality, and insecurity that he will want to be with the other woman. 

Clearly this guy’s girlfriend wasn’t doing something that he found me, the other woman,  to satisfy what was missing.  Or he is a total douchebag – but I’m not sticking around long enough to find out that answer.

Here’s to finding a guy who can’t wait to share his happy with me.



The girl who doesn’t mind if  you talk to the hot blonde for a few minutes at the bar, while buying me a drink then take me home and fuck me til my legs go numb J


Single Unsingle said...

Hehe! Hilarious!

I found ya thru 20sb :)

Following ya.

Hope ul follow me too :)

A Girl's Gotta Eat said...

@singleUnsingle - following you and loooking forward to more of your stories!


Anonymous said...

As a fellow "Other Girl" I need some advice. What's patient and what's just plain stupid? I guess it's probably a personal questions but I find that I seem to understand his reasons for not leaving…yet. If/when he does...(idiotic right) but just say it does happen...will a relationship starting as the "other girl" ever really work out? Do you think the adage is true? Once, always...a leopard never changes his spots??

-Hopelessly Devoted

A Girl's Gotta Eat said...

@Hopelessly Devoted - To answer your last question - no I do not think you can never change the spots on a leapord. I day this for 2 reasons. Someone very close to me, who I knew to the deepest level, fell for a man who was married - and a baby on the way. Well long story short, baby wasn't his, he left his wife, my friend stuck through it with him through everything and they are living the happily ever after. I guess there is the school of thought - trust your instincts - don't get me wrong, as her friend and someone who deeply cared for her, I had my moments I wished she would just walk away, because it was not fair to her. But she didn't she made a decision and stuck with it. I have learned in all my mistakes and broken relationships, if I can say I tried everything I could to make it work and have no regrets - I can walk away feet firmly planted. If you don't do everything you can, you walk away with regrets, heartache and unanswered questions. Which in turn ends up being the actual emotion you are feeling towards that person, not Love., though the passion behind it is quite easy to mistake.

I also say you can't assume once a cheater, always...because I have cheated. And I am the first person to say "if you are going to cheat, break up with him"...well...I'll never justify what I did, but I did because...well lets be serious, I was being fucking dumb, I wanted one more night of great sex and I knew he would give it to me. We had one crazy night of doing everything you could ever imagine...and I never spoke to him again after that. I was ashamed of what I had done, what he made me done, and more than anything doing it solidified why I had broken up with him in the first place.

I completely agree with understanding your reasons for not leaving yet. I have been there, I am sure more than of us have been there than we are willing to admit. The only think I can say to that, is stop when you see yourself become someone you never want to be. If you are social person, and you find yourself sitting home on a Friday night, waiting for him to come home from dinner with the 'other girl' just so he can come over at midnight and might want to reevaluate your significance in his life and if he will ever leave for you. If he is married, has kids - that is always harder. He may need a more significant embrace, knowing when he leaves he is going to a place of comfort.

I think that love, in all it's twisted, ugly, unfair forms, sometimes does not take all manners into account. You will know when you have reached your breaking point, and thats when you should be ashamed if you don't walk away. if he does not want to leave his 'other relationship' to solely be with you, stop doing things with him a person in a relationship would do. Do not kiss him, hold him, cuddle him or fuck him. No sort of liquid body fluid should be exchanged. :)

Be fair to yourself - it is not worth being with someone, anyone at any point, if it no longer makes you happy.

Hope this helps - and please keep us posted when he leaves her :)

rutskydanske said...

i was searching "girls gotta eat" on google image search for some marketing materials and I clicked on the picture because it had sex appeal. This blog is great

Im 21, and you got some balls. 20 and blind dates? I thought that was what old ladies did. I think I might follow your lead on this.

I think you just inspired to update travel blog.

tak for det.