You Make My Vagina Dry TOB

Guy 8:  TOB

Age:  27

Kids: didn't care to ask

Status: who fucking knows...he was making out with some chick at the end of the night

Employment: oh...student, but not really..but kinda

Height:  Couldn't tell you, never got out of my stool  

Eyes:  Don't care

Hair: balddd

Build:  Stalky...obese 

Outfit:  Some tshirt and jeans....but really I don't care...

First impression:  Dude...

Blonde Date Blondie Rating:  Even though this wasn't actually a date...I still give it a 0

Date #2?: oh helllll No.

So how I ended up where I ended up is not important. Leave it to 3 best friends from elementary school to guarantee a great night. Sum it up to free drinks and shots from the bartender all night. Guess he liked crazy sarcastic bitches. Let’s fast forward to the end of the night, when all parties other than myself had departed and I was joined by a close guy friend. Yes, I was joined by a man at 2am at a bar, that I was not going to fuck. He is just a friend. I am sure at some point in our friendship one of us wanted to throw each other over into a downward dog pose or make ear muffs out of their legs, but it’s just never gonna happen. Well, lets be honest, if we both had been drunk that might have happened. But it wasn’t and it didn’t. Just two adult human beings sitting at the end of a bar – drinking water.


Then my friend leaves to use the restroom…and ZOOM! Tall, overweight bald man approaches…asking if I want shots. No I say, I do not want shots, but I am not rude, as I never am. He then proceeds to tell me how he is technically considered a Freshman at college (he is 27), but realistically he is a sophomore, because he took classes before he entered the military for 4 years and returned, and the college he attends now will not accept any of the credits he obtained from his 1.5 years prior to the military. OK.



I never asked if he was in school. But I understand, he clearly thinks I am attractive (thank you beer goggles!) and had enough balls to approach me while I was there, with another man. Great. I understand, I appreciate a man’s effort and obviously understand the trials with dating, but dude, don’t sit there for 7 minutes (I know because my friend was texting me drunken lyrics of ‘sweet Caroline’ so the time kept showing) and tell me about yourself and how awesome you are. Try and ask me how awesome I am! (duh)



So my friend returns, haven’t seen him in over 4 months prior to tonight, so we are trying to catch up – well yep, nope impossible because TOB (Tall obese Bald) man keeps interrupting. Then TOB asks me if I want to come over and meet his friends. What?? Why the fuck would I want to meet your friends. I am not dating you, I will not date you, I do not need to know your friends and more importantly, I am not going to the parade with you tomorrow. Why want to introduce me to your friends, because I might end up finding one of them more interesting than you. Are you trying show me off to them….like ‘oh daddy, look what I found! Can I keep it!’ Like ew.



But anyways. He leaves. But comes back. An hour later my friend walks away to use the restroom again. He comes up asking “can I introduce you to my friends”. No dude. Now you are creeping me out. Then he asks “why aren’t’ you drinking” to that I say, I am a responsible individual and I have to drive (when really I was thinking I’ll order my own shit because I don’t want to run the possibility of you roofing me.)



Then I get pissed. He has the balls to ridicule my guy friend for not drinking. To that I respond, “really, it is fucking dumb that someone is at a bar not drinking. Have you even considered the fact maybe there is a valid reason he is not drinking at the bar. How about the issue of growing up with an alcoholic father who beat you, and being a mature adult he is able to recognize the trait and not want to become the same person, but yet he values friendship enough to stay up late to catch up with me. And I having suffered the loss of friends/family to drunk driving will not get behind the wheel if I know I have had too much to drink. You are right TOB, my friend is lame for not drinking, because if he was he might have a slight possibility of being as big of a douchebag as you.”





I smiled, took a sip of my ice-cold lemon water and swiveled the other way on stool.



Douche bag.



Think he got the point I didn’t want to meet his friends?



My friend came back from the restroom wondering why everyone at the end of the bar was starring at me…I just said “can you blame them?”



Here’s to hoping TOB didn’t roofie some poor unwilling soul and learns some manners. I don’t fucking get guys these days!



Love,

The girl who doesn’t take shit from douchebags when you insult my friends J

AGG2eat

The Other Girl..PT 2

I sit in meetings all day, at my desk, on my couch watching tv, out to lunch with my girlfriends and I think.  I sit a lot.  Anywhere, everywhere I sit I always end up thinking about the fact that I am single.  In any conversation, presentation or observation there is a moment of my life that I wish I could share with someone else.  There are things I see I want to tell someone about, there are feelings I have I want to discuss with someone.  I have friends. I have lots of friends. But I wish I had a partner. Someone who is passionate about his life, career and friends.   So maybe that is why I fell for the guy with girlfriend.  And then got over him, in a week…but still. I admit I did it.  But I got to thinking why did I like a guy I knew who had a girlfriend?

You know the more I think about it – I am drawn to him because I love his enthusiasm, his zest for life – passion for his career, and oddly the sexiest trait in a man to me is someone who maintains their crazy character in any situation and is passionate about what they do.  I don’t mind a man who will spend more time at a bar talking to friends or the owner instead of me, because I do that. I don’t mind a man who might not be next to me the entire night, but his eyes are never left from my smile as I laugh at a friends joke across the room.  He might not be next to me, but he is aware and confident in himself and me.

That’s what I like about guys like him.  They don’t need me to happy. They have a reason to life and live it - and they have a way with a room – and I happen to be the lucky one in that room they are thinking about.  And I want that. To be the one in the room they love.   I want to be the person who they might not need to make them happy – but the one they want to share in their happy with them.  That’s what I want to be. Someone’s happy.

Not the other girl.  You know there is always an instant when you start dating someone who you know has a girlfriend, that you clearly think/hope they will leave the other person for you. But would you really want that man if he is a cheater?

I can understand a man who wants to cheat on his girlfriend and claims he doesn’t really care about her, as fucked up as that sounds, I have very good guy friends who confide in me about things, so I hear both sides  - but if that man liked me he wouldn’t ask me to change his name, profession and appearance on my blog if he didn’t actually care if his girlfriend found out we kissed. If you don’t care about your simple relationship with your ‘on off girl friend’ who ‘if she broke up with you, you would not care’ because ‘you are both looking for other people’ and ‘know that the other is dating’, then you shouldn’t get nervous when you start dating someone who you know writes a blog about her dating experience and say she has to change your name and profession if you write about him..shady!  Other than your girlfriend, there couldn’t be another reason for you to be so cautious.

I get torn still even knowing this.  I like him because he makes me feel special and relates to my thoughts and passion.  I don’t like men who are just like everyone else. I want an outside of the box, right brained, ADD, a carefree caring freak.  Someone who is different, and special to me.  But if I made him feel as special as he says I do, he wouldn’t want to lose me, if not me, than that feeling he has when he is with me – and he would admit to himself, just as intensely as I do, that there is a possibility for finding someone who understands and accepts everything about you – good, bad, strange, old and new.  I wish everyone, myself included, would stop with the fucking sob story that ‘happiness does not exist and because of past relationships breaking your fucking heart we assume there is no one out there that will understand you’…get over it and realize it can happen.

Just do things to make yourself feel good.  Flirt when you are out!  I think flirting is great for a relationship – as long as the relationship has trust and honesty, flirting is the best way to keep the passion.  Think about it – when you first met the person you are now in love with, there were those warm thoughts, caterpillars in your tummy and a confident glow about you that made you seem even more attractive.  Because when people flirt with you back, you feel good about yourself.  It is a shameless confidence booster.

We all need to be reminded, sometimes by strangers, of what a beautiful smile we have, or the wonderful laugh we have that fills a room, or eyes that are as blue as the sky. There should be absolutely nothing wrong with verbal flirting as long as you are confident and intelligent enough to know not to let it go any further.  When you feel your best about yourself is when you give the best you to your partner.  And sometimes after a long relationship – the spark can’t light the fire every night.

I remember talking about it with an ex once and we agreed, flirting was OK with other people, because at the end of the night, we are going home together – and the thought of making the rest of the people jealous seeing how happy we were together was exciting.  I don’t care when a boyfriend talks to another woman – woman should be flattered when other woman find their men attractive – just sit back, smile and know you are the lucky one who has him.  Don’t get me wrong…I get protective, I want everyone to know he is mine….I also like when people are jealous he is mine J  Just keep it honest, real and don’t close everyone else in the world out once you get into a relationship – and most importantly,  don’t be a demanding, controlling jealous bitch.   It is when you bring on jealousy, irrationality, and insecurity that he will want to be with the other woman. 

Clearly this guy’s girlfriend wasn’t doing something that he found me, the other woman,  to satisfy what was missing.  Or he is a total douchebag – but I’m not sticking around long enough to find out that answer.

Here’s to finding a guy who can’t wait to share his happy with me.

<3AGG2eat

Love,

The girl who doesn’t mind if  you talk to the hot blonde for a few minutes at the bar, while buying me a drink then take me home and fuck me til my legs go numb J

Fish Tacos Do Not Make Me Horny

Guy 7:  John

Age:  25

Kids: no

Status: Single

Employment: Apparently owned his own construction company - well clearly he did, he was wearing Timbs

Height:  OMG - 6'2" - yes yes yes, finally! I can be the little spoon for once    

Eyes:  Baby ice blue - stunning

Hair: Black -- meow

Build:  Tall and uber thin - fucking sexy and Adrien Brody style...so you think I would have automatically been in love, so my type...if he didn't have so much gas. 

Outfit:  Jeans, flannel, Northface - nothing crazy, but nothing bad

First impression:  Alright - maybe playing this dating game is starting to pay off 

Blonde Date Blondie Rating:  Fuck it, I am saying 13, because it felt like I was on a date with a 13 year old.
Date #2?: oh helllll No.

This was a guy who I had been talking to via text for a few weeks setting up a date, and blew off about 3 times.  He lives in a town about 1.5 hours away so not that I really blew him off, but saved him the trip on days I wasn't 100% in the mood to be social.  I was saving him from a bad date. Right....huh? See I am not a bitch.  Either way, he was still so pathetic he accepted my offer to hang out on date 4. Finally.

I should have realized the red lights were flashing for a reason and stayed home all together.

Reasons I liked him: He had a sense of humor. He made me laugh...sometimes.  But now that I look back on it, I might have been laughing at him, now with him. Oops.

Reasons I didn't like him: Well first of all - I was about 20 minutes late - work reasons. Wait, that isn't a reason to not like him....And I walked in to find him at the bar standing there, and my first assumption would be he had ordered himself a drink. Right? Wouldn't you think. Well no.  He just stood there, taking up valuable bar space in the middle of a packed place, and didn't order a drink. But had one hand on the bar and the other on his hip as though he wanted to order a drink, or rather was pondering beckoning the bartender.  But when I asked him he said he had just been standing there for 20 minutes. And what? fake looking like you want to order a drink?? I dunno, guess that makes me an alcoholic that I feel someone needs to be liquored up to meet me.  Scratch that, clearly that makes me intolerable and I am the alcoholic.  I'm never going to have a boyfriend.

So we sit down, order a beer - the place we went had a fine selection to pick from - whatever, I had the server pick mine. The conversation is not forced, but not fluent.  We talk about work, and the city, why he lives where he lives....BELCH.  What the fuck. Dude just full on burped in the middle of conversation.  And this was before he had a sip of carbonated beer.  Who does that? Why would you belch, loudly, the first time meeting someone. Obviously he was not interested in me, or his mama didn't raise him to be a gentleman.  If he was funny, and enticing and we were having a grand old time and he did that - I'd laugh, I can get it sometimes.  But this shit was straight up- may have burped up his lunch and swallowed it for the second time- type of disgusting belch.  I swear I smelled grilled cheese for a good 10 seconds afterwards.

I am all about accepting life and our body have natural tendencies and actions we can not sometimes control, but atleast say excuse me.  Nothing. Not an 'sorry', 'oops', 'aw shit I chugged a 2 liter bottle of pop before I met you out' or even a 'Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color' reference.  Just straight up burping disgustingness.

We order our food, I opted for the Mediterranean chicken to go along with my some sort of beer selection from my server, all while I am thinking up reasons I can't stay after for a drink and need to leave.

Now we all know I am up for a good time and will make fucking ice cream sundaes out of shit and piss, but there was no hope for this one 'cause I am convinced he was coked out of his mind. The head twitches, the sniffing, the fidgeting, the white powder around the rim of his nostril...I had an ex who used to do that shit behind my back and it is not attractive to me.  Do it in your own time, not wasting mine.  I couldn't stand it.  It was like trying to have a conversation Willow Smith who kept whipping her hair back and forth.  I was getting a headache just trying to maintain eye contact with him.

Then our dinner arrived.  My Mediterranean chicken miraculously turned into Fish Tacos.  Now, I had never had fish tacos in my life. Nor had I wanted to eat Fish Tacos that night.  But I went with it, and tell ya, Fish Tacos are mighty tasty.  The best part of my Fish Tacos, is that I ended up paying for them in the end.  Literally. Doucher asked how I wanted to pay.  Icing on the cake that this date was O.V.E.R.  I through in my card, gave him the old 'thanks for a great time' and deleted his number.

Thinking after this date I won't only be eating more Fish Tacos for dinner, but might look into eating it for dessert from now on, if ya know what I mean.  Hot Dogs and Sausage are becoming less and less appetizing to me.

Here's to hoping I don't date so many shitty guys I start questioning if I might actually be a lesbian.


Love,
The Girl Who is Learning to Love Fish Tacos <3 :)

The Other Girl

I warn my readers – I have to preface with my interpretation of dating.  Even growing up among friends, the terms of casual relationships differed greatly in meaning. To me dating was something that you could do with multiple people at the same time.  The point is to ‘date’ to see whom you like and if you are compatible.   Dating never involved sex.  Having sex with multiple people - I consider being a whore if you are looking for love, if you are in college, different story  - and being understanding as I am, really to each your own.

Back to the point - After you dated a few people, and you went on a few dates, you then entered the ‘relationship’ ‘going out’ stage, which summed up to monogamy.  This is at the only point when I am with someone care for, that I will consider sex.  (mom, admit it, you know I am not a virgin – you read my secret diary too many times even pretend like you think I haven’t had sex).  My long story short, is that dating to me is the non-monogamous point of a relationship, each party I am dating should not be concerned I am sleeping with someone else, and it really is for me to find out who I would want to share my time, and vagina with.

Like any business owner will tell you of it’s employees, “it has to be a good fit for both of us.”  Which means I think dating is also a time when guys could be seeing multiple people, and being included in their mix, sooner or later they may realize they have lost their appetite for learning about me.  I am ok with that.  That is what dating is about.

My point to this defensive description is that I am willing to finally talk about one of the good dates I have been on.  Hoping there is no judgment passed that though I may see this individual frequently, I will continue to go on blind dates.

Let me rewind. In all honesty there has not been a date at all.  Simply two individuals drawn to eachother by madness and intrigue.   Have you ever met someone like that in your life, that you are so similar to- you fear it could destroy you? 

Although I don’t think he is as attentive to everyone that he is to me, I find my self starting to realize I am falling into ‘the other girl’ category.  You guessed it, he has a girlfriend.  Which, being an adult and knowing that ahead of time I will accept any criticism for, because as I stated, I was aware of it ahead of time.  Dr. Phil might even say I continued to pursue my interest because I knew he was unattainable.   Fuck my life.

It is not the presence of the girlfriend in this situation that has ruffled me.  We have been in public three times in the last 2 weeks – exchanging intimate touches and kisses, and I have no problem admitting to anyone he has a girifriend.  Listen to this…he had the audacity to say to me,  “I get jealous thinking of you going on all these blind dates, but who am I to say that because I have a girlfriend” – I am testing him and he is testing me -

At what point do you go from being interested in someone, to completely becoming ‘the other girl’.  As irrational as it may sound – I understand how men and women cheat on boyfriends. With ridiculous line fed to you like “her and I are on and off for years” or “my situation” is different.  Which ironically I completely understand. Insecure people need to keep simple people around to feel balanced and grounded. And they tend to be the ones who are strive for the great love – the one they write stories about.  Then there is the “she knows I am seeing other people” line – that seems somewhat plausible considering he is willing to be seen in public with me and introduce me to people – but I know it is still bull shit.   In all honesty I have summed it up to them being porn starts or swingers.  Hey – I’ll try anything once (sorry dad)

So whatever – I am the other girl.  First for everything.

More to come on this guy later…there are SOOO many stories….haha.

Here’s to hoping I get slapped in the face for this one and wake up.

Love,

The Girl Who constantly likes guys she can’t have so she inevitably will be angry and single 

Why are you giving me a reason to run?

Let's hope I don' get arrested for posting these - if I do, I will clearly plead insanity.

I don't get it. Seriously- why would you send me pic message of you with another girl, or with your shirt off or standing in front of your filthy bathroom sink???...like really??

Unfortunately for me, there has been an abundance for ridiculous pic messages sent to my phone...you would think it would make me less apt to go on a blind date with them...psych!!! exact opposite.  I want to meet these fools.  I actually will be meeting one next week - I need a crazy fuck to get my mind off things...but seriously....would you want to get this in your inbox?

Seriously. WTF. I vomited. Then Laughed. The end.

Don't worry - this guy is going to "Be the man of my dreams and keep a smile on my face from all the laughter he will cause"

Ok - Men out there...do not take self portraits. Unless they are ridiculously hilarious, spur of the moment photo and mocking fun of something in the background...do not stand in your bathroom and pose. Because here is the thing - we know that this is not the one and only picture you have taken.  We now know you stood there, for at-least 15 minutes, and practiced. That's fucking lame. I might be acceptable for 15 year old highschool girls...because they are 15 year old highschoolers!!!...we can see your stretched arm!!! No matter how much cropping you do...you are still pathetic.

I don't get it...what about you driving, unsafely taking a picture of yourself, with a double chin makes you think I will find you attractive? ? ? ? ?  ? Ladies? Am I wrong? But ...that's one sweet button-up shirt.  and you look awful close to the guardrail sir.

You are so cool. Because you have a sunroof.  Thank god you shared. ugh..

I dunno - call me crazy - but if this is what the dating scene is like in this area...I am eff You See Kay'd.


Here's to finding a guy who knows how to take a decent photo.

Love,

The Girl Who needs to switch cell numbers very soon :)

PicMessaging SO does not look good on you

Guy 5: Stewart (I mean really? Stewy....stewy!!)

Age: 28

Kids: 0

Status: Single - and don't think he has left is apartment for years...

Employment: Medical School....like most of the men I have met - I am changing my desire to date a doctor....none of them are as sexy and cynical as House...they are strange! and not in the sexy way I like

Height:  5.8?

Eyes:  Dark brown

Hair: Dark brown, well from what he had left of it....receding hair lines...at what point do you just say, fuck it, and go bald?

Build: meh - all I noticed was his killer coat and chuck's.

Outfit: -   blue Chuck taylors..bonus - and no, not only because my dad used to wear them, distressed jeans and a blue plaid shirt topped off with killer glasses...and then that hair line..dammit. He might have been the first male version of a 'butter face' I have met

First impression: Ok dude, the idea of a blind date is so that I don't know what you look like ahead of time, so therefore I will not bail....if I didn't have a sense of humor I never would have showed up after that picmessage!

Blonde Date Blondie Rating:  2 - I like a guy who I can have somewhat intelligent conversation with.


Reasons I liked him: It was comfortable talking to him about my life, as vocal and extroverted as I may be, I don't really share too much..(hahah how is that for fucking ironic as I am writing a blog about every detail of my dating life!) Any who, we talked about my research at the National Center for Deaf Health Research and working on various grants throughout the Preventative Medicine field (you see how I did that huh? Through in some personal shit so you would know something about me, cause I a such a closed book)...we questioned life and the way certain people said things and how yogurt has mysteriously become a drinkable item.

We had fun, he ordered my dinner and enjoyed a few beers.  Although, he did get my order wrong and I ended up with the wrong salad, that is besides the point.  


Things that made me not like him:  Telling me he has lived near the University, which is 5 minutes to downtown, and after 2 years of living here, this was the first time he went out to eat downtown...I nearly shit my pants.  What what was this hermit doing?!?!??! Obviously studying and being a smart rich doctor, but really??? 2 years in your apartment? How do people do it? I could never just wake up, go to work or school, come home, eat dinner, watch tv or play video games, go to bed and do it all on repeat every single day.  

How do you know you are alive if you don't get out there and experience it!  He was working so hard for this prestigious degree and acknowledgment to come 8 years down the road, and in the meantime he let everything social pass him by...when he might not even see tomorrow....  Anything can happen at any time - I'd rather not waste the time planning only for retirement (which I am, I am not THAT dumb).  But I also have life insurance.  Those of you who know me, know I am married to my job, mainly because I am single and I have nothing else to focus my attention on, but I make time for fun.  I don't understand how other people don't either?


Anyways, enough about my thoughts on life. What do you care about that anyways, you are here to read about terrible dating, and the possibility of me tossing in a sex scene *no? took it too far? sorry mom*


The worst thing this kid did was send me a picture message of him saying "This is what I look like and what shirt I am wearing".


Now let me tell you - it looked nothing like the photo I had seen online.  NOTHING.  The photo online was CLEARLY taken in highschool. Well, not that I find highschool boys attractive.


Mainly it was his hair...the fact he had about 50% less than what I had seen....tells me some years had gone by. So I sent this text to my sister and close friend, because I was about pissing myself.  So if you are going to send a picture of yourself to someone...make sure it actually makes you look good!


And finally, if you are going to do that lame, one handed self taken picture..put your arm above your nose, NO ONE looks good from the bottom up and with a double chin.  No one. 




Oh, and don't you worry...I have been starting a collection of the most ridiculous pic-messages EVER....that blog to follow.  First I have to put black bars over their eyes so they can't sue me, because clearly doing that makes them unrecognizable.

Here's to another free dinner...even though it was the wrong one.

Love,

The Girl Who has to stop seeing the good in people

Part 3: Why I am single - ASL?

So really, these are the rest of the responses that had no category, but maybe really the only honest ones...I mean...lets face it, we are all smart enough to know the answer to my question is simple....they are just not that interested in me.   But don't get me wrong, hearing all the other stuff was very flattering :)



"guy's might be looking at your profile and not contacting you because one they are not looking for anything too serious in the beg. second would be they dont know much about what your bodytype is(sad to say it)"

"5'10 is probably too tall for me, and i think that might be the main reason I didnt contact with you.  You are certainly attractive but I'm not sure either or us is each other's type. Feel free to let me know if I'm wrong. But for lots of guys that share life with thing is maybe a bit offputting? If you replaced it with something along the lines of looking for a guy who wants to really get to know me and appreciate me? I'm bad at speaking for most guys though. Anyway have a nice day."


"I really don't know why guys wouldn't message you. You don't seem like an axe murderer or anything."

"To answer you question about what it is about your profile that would stop me from contacting you? I think you are very cute and everything you said in your profile was great, the only thing that would have stopped me if you didn't ask... You put that you are 5'10", I would just assume you wouldn't be interested in me because I'm shorter than you. So that's why I wouldn't have contacted you but now I did and I hope to hear back from you."

"Also, ninety percent of men on here are probably just looking for sex, so there's that problem too"

"I just read your profile (yes, the entire thing, I didn't just skip to the pictures), and I thought I would write to let you know this guy didn't look and pass on your profile for anything more than the fact that I am a bit older than what your looking for (you say 24-38 and I am 41). I thought you had a very well writen profile, you sound strong, confident and fun (all things very attractive in a lady). Wish I were younger, but I am sure you will get what your looking for in here, you sound like quite the catch!"


Well here's to getting back into the grind...bets on if I will have a date for Valentine's Day? Bahh


Love,

The girl who is to tall for your midget people

Possibly the Worst (and Best) Date EVER!

Guy 4:  Stan the Farmer

Age:  28

Kids: no

Status: Single

Employment: He builds cell phone towers..but his family owns a dairy farm…great!!! If he DIDN’T SMELL LIKE COW MANURE!

Height:  maybe 5’8”, with a gangsta limp    

Eyes:  He had 2

Hair: Dirty blonde – receding hair line

Build:  stout  - but looked like he had thin legs (don’t as me why I noticed that)

Outfit:  blah jeans, a hurly t shirt and aeropostle hoody…in a bluster snow storm….all made up just for me? Felt like I was on a date with my highschool boyfriend again.

First impression:  oh god, I am not going to like this one – but free dinner!

Blonde Date Blondie Rating:  2 – it ended up being one hell of a night!

Date #2?:  haha nope.

Moments that made me like him:  He was sweet – genuine, had a great heart. He meant well and was a caring person. I liked that I could tell he liked me…how arrogant is that?  He asked genuine and real questions about me - a trait that so many men lack.  He showed real interest in understanding who I was, if only I cared to share :)

Moments that made me not like him:    Where do I even begin? Maybe the point where he called me to tell me he was at the restaurant, and I arrived 2 minutes later,  and I think I passed his car, but who knows.  Well 5 minutes go by, 10 minutes go by... nearing 15 minutes later I realized I had been stood up.  Which I found hilarious! I was excited that for once in my life I was stood up – don’t judge,  I just always wondered if it actually happened and what it felt like.

As I was about to go to McDonalds, he walks into the bar, stands on the other side of where I am sitting and orders himself a drink.  My first thought was, oh, he doesn’t think I am pretty and regrets his decision. Double awesome, because I only wish every guy was this forward in how he felt about a woman!  Then he smiled and came over to me.   Damn.

I realized this farm boy was not going to buy my drink, so I hailed the cute bartender to make me a stiff one because I knew this was going to be along night. 

We ordered some food and by the time we were finished with our meals, I had learned all about his poor car accident that took away half of his teeth – which would explain the intense lisp and large white Chiclets looking smile he had.  I am not that big of a bitch – so I never thought anything of the lisp or teeth - and felt sad for him after he told me the horrific, 40 fucking minute story. Ok fine, I’ll sit through your pity party, but no reason to whip out your phone and start showing me pictures of you in the hospital bed, you in your own bed, you standing next to your smashed car, you holding your kitty next to the teeth that fell out (ok that last one was a lie, but really?) and the scratch on your leg and what you look like with no teeth…I am not going to have sex with you after that.

It wasn’t until after dinner things really started to get interesting.  He started ordering my drinks, and then ordered a shot.  Now, mind you, this guy is a farmer, lives in the boondocks 50 minutes away, and it is a blizzard outside.  Not to mention he was in a horrific car accident 3 months ago.  I highly doubted he should be drinking more than 2 beverages, let alone doing shots of Jameson.  But fuck, who am I to judge, and I did the shot with him.

It wasn’t until after this I started to notice a distinct smell.  I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I knew I had smelled it before.  It wasn’t a pretty smell, like fresh laundry or men’s Cool Water cologne that was sexy in 9^th grade.  It also wasn’t an off-putting smell like BO or bad breathe.  God, what the hell was it?

Then it hit me.  He smelled like my childhood summers!  Every summer for 5 years I went to horse camp.  Where we groomed, fed and rode horses for weeks at a time. (get your mind out of the gutter people)  Each summer you were designated a horse and responsible for all care taking aspects of it.  Bathing, replacing shoes and maintaining  a clean stall, which obviously included shoveling out their shit from the stall and carrying it in barrels to a dump where the manure was processed for farming. 

And then it hit me, this man smells like manure. Are you freaking kidding me. It wasn’t that he looked dirty or I think he had stepped in it, but he mentioned his family were dairy farmers and though he lived there he was not on the farm.  Well – law of absorption I guess. Like when you sit around a camp fire and you go home you can’t get the smell out of your hoody or your skin – well this poor kid absorbed cow manure scent. How awful is that!

In the process of debating if I should tell him or not, I was looking around the bar and noticed I was the only female there – and there was a group of 6 hot looking men playing pool. It was at this moment I looked at my date and said, “you any good at pool?” and he said , “hell yea, I’m a shark”.  Then I did the most awful thing in the world – I said, “I bet you couldn’t beat those guys playing pool.”  If it is one thing I know about most men, they don’t like to loose, nor do they like a woman telling them what to do.  So I figured I would make it look like it was his decision for us to go over and spend time sitting around these 6 hot men, leaving me alone while he played.  I’m awful.  Then I realized I was on a date with this guy, and it would be completely inappropriate for me to scam him into playing pool with these guys just so I could sit there and talk to  hot men....

So my date is in the middle of his second match with one of the hot guys, (oops, I couldn't help myself!) and I am having a grand old time. Half of them were major pot heads and a few others had girlfriends and the rest were living at home with their  mother, so there was no real potential, but it was fun.   I found it hilarious when I saw my date lose the 2^nd game and give the other kid $5 and when I asked him if he won, he said yes. Guess because I am a girl means I don't know the person to get the black ball in wins, idiot.

Then he offered to buy me another drink and shot.  I replied, “I can do a shot because I live fairly close, but  I woulnd’t want you to drink anymore because you have a long drive ahead of you.”  To which he replied, “oh no, I’ll be ok.”  And then it fucking hit me.  This kid is planning on coming home with me!  Well I figured it out because of that comment and the fact he tried unsuccessfully 3 times to kiss me and constantly tried to put his arm around me. Ew. Manure.

So it was operation ‘lose this kid’ from that point on.  As my date was buying us shots, one of the hot boys said we should come meet them at this other local club.  One that I had never heard of before that ended up being a local Russian organizational club. (o boy)  When my date returned, I said we should be crazy and go somewhere else, and he was astonished with the fact that I was so carefree and outgoing I would want to go to a place I had never been.  Idiot.

As we are walking to this other place, I realized my date was not with me any more.  I turned around and about 10 feet away, there he was, wobbling toward me like he couldn't bend his knee..  Opps, I had forgotten he broke his foot in the car accident and had 4 pins in it.  I knew this because I saw the picture of his foot immediately after the accident, his foot in the cast held up next to the car and then the xray of the pins in his foot.  What had I gotten myself into.

After taking my walking pace down to that of  a 90 year old, we finally arrived at the new place; Walked up 4 flights of dark stairs to an unmarked door where we found  7 dudes smoking cigarettes and drinking at a long dingy bar.   I knew I should have feared for my life and expected some sort of gang bang, but I loved it! I knew I could handle my own and found it hilarious I had coaxed my date into coming to meet the hot guys.

As we started playing pool I hadn’t forgotten the fact I needed to ditch this guy before he wanted to leave, because I feared the moment I told him I was ready to go, he would do everything to leave with me and try to follow me home.  Oh fuck no, there was no way my stuff was going to have manure stench.

So the only way to ensure this wouldn't’ happen, would be to flee the scene without him knowing.  Which proved to be fairly difficult, considering there was only one exit visible from anywhere in the bar, and there were only 9 people in it, so when one of us went missing it would be obvious.

The rest of the evening turned out to be fun – I made friends with the little coked-out female bartender – surprise surprise, which led to insane amounts of shots and free drinks, the boys started playing pool against each other, and I had become a therapist to one of the new girls that walked it  - helping her figure out if her boyfriend not answering her texts for the last 30 minutes meant he was cheating on her.  I told her no- the fact he is out without you and did not tell you where he is, means he is cheating on you.  Jeeze, do I have to teach these people everything.

I glanced at my watch and it was getting late – I had to work tomorrow! 2 of the stoner guys were getting unhigh and wanted to 'blow this popsicle' stand to ‘smoke some killer green’.  This was it! My perfect opportunity to sneak away without my date noticing.  All I would have to do is sandwich myself between these two tall boys so he didn’t see me and be free!

Well only problem was I could see my date looking around for me every moment I was not near him. Luckily and stupidly, I had left my purse at the end of the very long bar.  When I saw him looking for me, I ducked behind one of the tall boys and watched my dates movements through the crack in the stoners armpit.  So he noticed my purse, probably thought I had went to the bathroom, and then turned to return to his manly game of pool.

Now, I don’t remember it exactly, as it was all a blur of genius and wit, but the moment I saw him turn his back to me to play pool, I knew it was my time to escape.  Immediately after I saw his eyes return to the table, I pulled out my highschool basketball spin move, bolted across the bar, grabbed my purse and coat as I was simultaneously opening the door and flying down 4 flights of stairs. I exploded out of that front door faster than I ever ran at a high school track meet.  My arms were pumping so fast the intense wind I felt in my hair wasn’t from nature, but the speed of my arm movement.  This bitch was on a mission. 

I threw my coat on as I was running insanely down the snow covered street, hugged my purse for dear life and never looked back at that Russian club.  I had made it out a live.  This time.

The last thing I remember is hearing the 2stoners behind me saying, “dude, where’s my car.”

Now I say that is a pretty damn good night. But no long term potential.

Keep the Number?:  I never heard from him again – just a text 30 minute after I got home.  “Hey, where did you go.”

Here’s to one hell of a night!

Love,

The Girl who can really play pool:)

Unique Places to Find Other Singles

Happy New Year! As I am sure some of your new years resolutions are to give love, find love, finally break up with that girlfriend you are cheating on, or stop masturbating so much, I wanted to give a gift to all of you!  Whatever your reason may be to find someone special - I've found a few places you can look to seek out other single people.  


(Warning - I am just making this shit up - I am no expert, but figured hell - I am the loneliest, most single person out there, so what I do for fun or alone must be what a few other singles do too!)

Tip: Look at places/things you do when you are alone or single.

Where and Why?

Red box video: 

If they are wearing a ring - stop.  If they are not and alone, this is a 50/50 shot they are single.  The way to tell the difference is how long they spend at the machine.  The longer, the better for you.  Because if they have a girlfriend and she wants him to rent a movie - she is going to tell him what movie to get, because last time she asked him to pick out a romantic comedy, he came home with Nightmare on Elm street.  This theory is true if he is on the phone reading the selections out loud.  It is either his girlfriend or his mother - either way stay away from that one.

$6 dinner at wegmans or any of their take outs:

Duh, no one is making him dinner, yet he craves the somewhat comfort of a homemade warm dinner.  This guy will appreciate a woman who cooks for him and hopefully provides some tasty dessert :)  A guy who has $6 dinner and Red Box movie = definitely single. 

Buying single servings of bulk produce:

Whether its bananas, onion, potatoes, peppers or apples, if they are buying one serving of any item they are cooking for 1, and they know how to cook, and they have passion about other things in life.  If a guy takes the time to buy fresh produce he likes to learn, adapt and understand things.  He is intrigued by a process and gets excited to be part of a project from start to finish.  Most likely he is professionally successful too and likes to impress people (or has no job therefore he has the time to make constant trips to the grocery story to buy fresh produce and the time to make every meal, but let us not distract from my fantasy). I'm going to keep my eye out for this one!

Frozen Food Section: 

A less mature version of fresh produce guy, but acceptable none the less. Single guys tend to stick with the basics, frozen pizza, fish sticks and waffles. It is the quantity he buys that will let you know if he is single.  1 = single, 33 = horny or owns a shitty bar.  This guy is somewhat of a simple mind, likes sports, plays video games and knows the bartenders life story at the local bar. 

Buying single rolls of toilet paper vs. cases:

Lets be honest - this one is obvious. Rule of thumb that any guy is single: he buys 1, not packages of things.  Guys don't use toilet paper as often as women, so therefore he does not live with one nor does he have one visiting often.  Just don't let him catch you staring at his paper roll...that's strange.

Local park, dog park:

This one has to do with the mind of a female.  We love doing cheesy, lovey dovey things together like going for walks in the park, taking the dog and playing, hiking and the like.  So there is no way we are going to let our man do this himself. Especially a dog park.  We are not dumb, we know how attractive and what a chick magnet dogs are - you think if he was not single his woman would let him out without HIS leash? I think not.  This guy is creative, calm and very intuitive.

Still buys the Wegmans brand American cheese for $2.99 when the Kraft cheese is on sale for $1.50:

He doesn't know how to grocery shop or have someone reading the weekly flyer looking for sale items. So he still buys the crappy brand which cost more because that is what he is used to, and there is no one at home who is going to yell at him for doing it. 

Purchases quarts of milk vs. gallon

This means there is no one staying over to have cereal in the morning or making scrambled eggs.  Plus the smaller size is closer to a glass shape, and we all know he will be drinking out of the carton. 

Stay away –

They are in the feminine product aisle…hell within 5 aisles of the tampon aisle, because we all know there ain't nothing manly in those aisles.

Purchase reduced fat peanut butter after looking at the nutrition facts.

In the magazine section  - their girlfriend wife has told them they can no longer play video games, go golfing or needs to stop watching so much tv.

Hope this helps - Enjoy!

Kissing Frog Does Not Turn him into a Prince

Guy 3: Antonio

Age:29

Kids: 0

Status: Single

Employment: Post Doc Physicist with an interview at Harvard...right.

Height:  183 meters

Eyes:  dark brown, slightly sexy

Hair: Dark brown, thick - a few strands of gray - again, sexy to a point

Build:  average in shape guy

Outfit:Hm - hiking boots, cashmere cable-net sweater, zipped up, and dark wash jeans - and a Columbia jacket ..strange

First impression: Oh- he is cute sitting alone at the sushi bar - drinking saki...oh...accent too!! I am going to marry this one!

Blonde Date Blondie Rating: 4 out of 5 if it was not for the end of the night....you will see

Date #2?:  Oh I really really wanted to! Thought we would, but hell no. Not a chance in the world.

I could literally hear the delicate and swift breath intensely falling from this mans lips to his lungs as I approached.  Oh, this one is going to be a piece of cake! Tall, decent looking- and already drinking saki. 

We had a decent time – moments I didn’t like him when he just inhaled an entire piece of sushi leaving the remnants of excessive soy sauce around his lips, and when he seemed to miraculously end up with a hole in his chin toward the end of the night, resulting in 25% of his water landing on his nice grey cashmere sweater.  

Endearing I found it - this man who claimed to be this intelligent, physicist - wasn’t perfect.  I like that.

We continued with a glass of wine night cap and I ended the evening fairly early.  At this point I made a dumb decision, so I am warning you right now; don’t judge me for it, OK! His car was closer so he drove me to mine.  I KNEW half way there, fuck, I should not get in this mans car, but he took me to mine as expected.  I leaned into give him a hug, I was fairly confident I would see this one again – I was excited in a sense.

 

Until he ate my face. What the fuck!! He did the whole two kiss cheek thing, which I went along with, until he grabbed the back of my neck and held my face to his opened fish odor mouth, proceeding to jab the inside of my cheeks and helpless face with his awful nub tongue.   Which brings me to another questions, how is it that people don’t know how to kiss?!  Age 12 sucking, literally is ok.  Age 30, god bless the woman who ties you down!

 I tried repeatedly saying “ok thank you” “text me when you get home” or any other comprehensive sentence I could think of to occupy my face and mouth from his insane efforts to eat me from the inside out.   (Well, let me correct that: it was the location of where he was trying to eat me from the inside out that was the problem; if he was intensely attempting to eat something else on my body with the zest and passion he had, I wouldn’t have been so upset)

Finally I pulled away, said I must go and he puts the car in park and says “no why don’t you stay here for a bit” I said, “absolutely not, have to go” where he followed to say “What, I traveled distance for you, you give me something?”

At that point I gave him the finger as I had my other hand on the door handle and was in my car before I could retract my finger from his face.

So my conclusion from all of this was he thought I was a slut from the beginning?? Was it my long beautiful blonde hair, my hot heels, the fact I was wearing eye liner? I mean, I looked pretty hot that day. Or that I laughed at his jokes?  Either way, what the hell would his mother think if she saw him act like that? Would she be disappointed? Because clearly no one has ever taught this man how to court a woman…or like I said, he thought I was a slut.

God – I can’t ever get it right with this dating thing!!

Here is to hoping my lips grown back and his bite marks don’t leave scars.

Love The Girl who must be too good looking for some people.and waiting for this kiss  ------->

What a douchebag.

Guy 2: Douchebag

Age: 31

Kids: 0

Status: Single

Employment: back in school finding a new career

Height:  don't know never met!

Eyes:  douchebag

Hair: Dark blonde...oh yes, I know because he sent me a text pic....ew

Build:  you guessed it - douchebag

Outfit: I bet this kid doesn't even know what a good pair of shoes or jeans looks like... or his mom still dresses him

First impression:  I literally think I hate this kid - from all of his first text I automatically thought about my ex and how he would cheat on me from one of these silly free dating sites, and I could just picture him saying the things this guy did....omg makes my damn skin crawl.

Blonde Date Blondie Rating: 1, you ask why not a 0 or negative...well...lets flipping face it this guy has proved to be entertainment from the first moment!! I knew I wouldn't like him, but I wanted to have some fun with it...haha

Date #2?:  Dude keeps texting me and calling me to hang out...really???

I am going to let the text do the talking on this one: (Note: Please pay attention to response times)

Monday December 13,2010: 7:32pm

Douche (D): 7:32p: "Hey, its douche Whats up"

GG2Eat: 7:48p: "NM, having dinner with a friend"

D: 7:49p: Cool, were you still up for drinks?

GG2Eat: 8:55p:  Absolutely, I am always up for a drink

D: 8:56p:Great hun, I have a test tonight but how about Friday

GG2Eat: 9:15p: Perfect, happy hour, you pick the place

D: 9:17p:Ok hunni have a great night!

Wednesday December 15, 2010: 8:39pm

Douche (D): 8:39p I passed my test :)

D: 8:52p:Yep I got 1 more :)

D: 8:59p: its my last year, one more semester!

D: 9:07p: haha huni work hard at school, im happy

AGG2Eat: 9:09: Dude, I think you got your numbers mixed up, I didn't write you anything

D: 9:11p:  oh hahah! Sorry my phone contacts got all messed up yesterday, thats so weird, sorry sweetie, how did we meet?

AGG2Eat: 9:15p: Its Agirlsgottaeat from *some dumb online service*

D: 9:18p:  oh i kno you lol

D: 9:33p:  don't worry - it won't happen again :)

AGG2EAT: 10:15p: Ya, well it's easy to mess up people's phone numbers when you are talking to multiple women at the same time and don't save their name with the number.  :)

D: 10:37p: haha, i know my contacts just got all messed

D: 10:55p: What are you doing tonite?

D: 10:59p: hunny what you doing now?

D: 11:14p:  Well you have a good nite! :)

I NEVER WROTE HIM BACK - Passed out, didn't care...watching Family guy...obviously doing something more important..than talking to a man who can't keep his blind dates straight!

Thursday, December 16, 2010:4:46p

D: I am a good student :)  Im really happy I had the best semester grade wise. we still on 4 tomorrow. I may hafta stop dt tonight for a bit

AGG2Eat: Ya I have to push it back to 9 because I was thrown on an event last minute

D: OK Ill prob go dt around 830 ill be solo i may meet u w friends at 10 your welcome to come. i guess well see how our first impressions go lol :P

AGG2Eat: Ok, text me when you get downtown what bar you are at

D: Ok Sweetie if you get free any earlier let me kno. i was lookin fward to happy hour w you

AGG2Eat:  Aw, sorry

D: o i understand see you tmmr :)  :)

Friday, December 17, 2010 : 9:07pm 

So I knew this was gonna be good, it was almost 45min after he was supposed to 'go downtown solo' and text me where he was to meet him....so I thought muahahha this is gonna get good...lets fuck with him...

AGG2Eat: 9:07p: Hey, I'm headed downtown, what bar are you at?

Douchebag!:  9:27p:  Hey im out in another town. totally lost track of time

AGG2Eat: 9:54p: Ok, Have fun

Douchebag:   Another nite plz sorry iv been caught up in the end of semester celebration. i promise im not a flake

AGG2Eat: 10:17p: haha you're kidding right?  You had your chance :) Maybe the girls number you messed mine up with will meet up with you.

Douchebag: 10:24p: your kidding right....i made a mistake and got stuck in another town....my sister dragged me out here for a drink to celebrate the best semester i ever had grade wise. i totally thought id be back by now

Douchebag: 10:25p: im sorry hun hope your understandin

AGG2Eat:: 10:26p: hah haha

Douchebag: 10:27p: so you not understandin and laughing at me huh

AGG2Eat: 10:28: oh hun don't turn it around on me. i didn't fuck up :)

Douchebag: 10:30p:  what did i fuck up a chance to share a drink with my sister and meet a pretty girl tho she's not flexible or understanding of mistakes

AGG2Eat: 10:45p: exactly, you are smarter than I thought you were

Douchebag:10:57p:  your the pretty girl in that last msg if ya didnt kno

AGG2Eat: 11:15p: Ya, I got that. Had you met me you would of been able to add funny intelligent witty successful and maybe sooner or later great in bed.

Douchebag:11:27p:  you know im a good guy thoo. i have plenty to offer. maybe we can try again and discover how awesome we both are


Douchebag: 11:33p:  Calls me: I don't answer


Douchebag: 11:35p:   99% of the time i never fail when it comes to being on time and having integritty.  i guess im not used to having my big sister proud of me. think about it.  sleep on it give me text if you change yer mind. have a great night hun

Douchebag:11: 45p: my sister even called me a dumb ass
AGG2Eat:  Dude, I canceled other plans and had to rearrange a bunch of shit at work for me to meet up with you.  So ya. dumb move on your part. 

Thought I won the war and I would actually never hear from him again - that was pretty harsh right?!! ..ohhh..if only it were that easy.....

Saturday, December 18, 2010: 2:28pm

Douchebag:  what are you up to today

2:33p Calls Me; I answer

Douchebaggerman: Hey
Hey
Douchebaggerman: Whats up
Nothing at work
***awkward 10 second silence***
Douchebaggerman: Thats cool, I just got done paintin for my family, my family is always findin things for me to paint, haha
Oh thats cool
Douchebaggerman: Ya so what you up to today?
Going to the hockey game
Douchebaggerman: Oh thats cool, when do you wanna meet up
Ugh, I am pretty busy until the new year
Douchebaggerman: Ok cool, call me after the game and we can meet
Um ok, bye
Douchebaggerman: Bye hun

Douchebaggerman: : 4:17p  Text me when your free sweetie
AGG2Eat: 8:46p: Whats up?
Douchebaggerman: 8:52p: Just making some call my buddy jimmy is having a celebration at his house
AGG2Eat: 8:55p: Some call???
Douchebaggerman:: 9:05p: lol ya what u doing
Douchebaggerman: 9:19p: thats exciting huh
Douchebaggerman: 9:35p: well have a nice nite then hun
AGG2Eat: 10:16: I was at the symphony
Douchebaggerman: oh was it nice you so cultur' :)

Ok I promise that's it...i am not answering any more if his texts...but you better fucking believe if he keeps writing me and it is beneficial for this blog, I will meet him....and destroy him....well maybe...should I? I think I should....and I will tell all of you where and when we are meeting and you can spy hahaha..oh boy...

The point of this blog is...I am astounded at how
1: we had plans to meet up at 9. 
2: he was going dt at 8:3o and texting me when he ended up somewhere
3: he was looking forward to happy hour and meeting me
4: he ends up not going downtown at all, doesn't tell me - so I go downtown and waste my makeup and hairspray (not really, but I let him think I did)
5: i ask his whereabouts and he actually responds; he thinks he didn't do anything wrong
6: It is somehow my fault? and i am not understanding
7: he still wants to meet up


I totally understand the ditching people if you don't ever want to talk to them again - like this past week, when I ran out on my blind date...literally RAN out on him (that one will come later) and he got the point and hasn't contacted me, but to ditch someone, respond to a text and blame them for the whole situation, then have the balls to assume they would want to hang out with you?? who is this guy??


douchebag !!

...my question is....are there really girls out there that fall for this BS? what happened in my life that makes me not fall for this?? besides common sense.   I mean he is a good looking kid - from what I can tell from online and his text picture he sent me..so this BS must be working with some women...women that I clearly would not relate to or I would like to talk to!

my advice for him? go prey on some freshman college girls at a Towney bar...that's the only place this act fits in. (shut up to those of you that know I am speaking from experience)

wow..

Love,

The Girl who is not flexible or understandin'....hunny.